The Tator

Campus makes giant leaps in emptying student pockets

Sam Johnson

More stories from Sam Johnson

The Tator
December 13, 2022
The Tator

This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.

UW-Eau Claire students will be expected to pay a fee to cross the footbridge now, following a new hire on campus.

Barb Illegitimate, vice chancellor of growth of revenue, evil extortion and development — also known as GREED — said a few months ago, she woke up in the middle of the night after a terrible nightmare.

“I had a dream that there was more money to squeeze out of students, and we weren’t capitalizing,” Illegitimate said. “When I woke up, I realized that nightmare was real, so I got to work.”

She said she spent the next several weeks jotting down ideas, ran them by her bosses and came up with the top five:

No. 5: Double tuition.

No. 4: Make off-campus students buy meal plans.

No. 3: Make alumni contractually obligated to continue paying tuition after they graduate. Also, triple tuition.

No. 2: World domination.

No. 1: Footbridge fee.

Illegitimate said the first four — while being “excellent ideas” — will take some time to roll out. Because of this, charging students a fee to cross the footbridge is the best starting point.

James Unreal, Illegitimate’s “completely happy” unpaid intern of nearly 20 years, said the responsibilities fell on him to roll out the plan.

“She said if I found a way to empty every student’s pockets, she’d finally let me go,” Unreal said. “So I wanted to do a really good job.”

During the planning process, Unreal said they considered a few ideas. Subway turnstiles, a manned gate and turning the bridge into a drawbridge were discussed, but decidedly too expensive. Then, Illegitimate said Unreal had the perfect idea.

“He said, ‘Let’s get a troll to guard the bridge.’ It was genius,” she said. “Trolls, like all mythological creatures, make for great employees because — like students — paying a living wage and following labor laws don’t apply to them.”

According to Illegitimate, the hard part was finding a troll willing to abandon their home bridge and relocate to Eau Claire. But once they found Phony, UW-Eau Claire’s new resident bridge troll, training was a breeze.

Illegitimate said trolls are already masters when it comes to guarding bridges, but they usually accept answered riddles as payment. So, a compromise was reached.

“I don’t care if he does his riddles, he just has to charge them money as well,” she said.

Phony begins his work guarding the bridge 24 hours a day next week. Illegitimate said she anticipates millions of dollars of extra revenue each semester.

Students will be forced to answer complex riddles, then pay $5 per bridge crossing, coming to and from class.

Unreal said the idea has some hitches they’re working on overcoming.

“Students might try to find ways around the bridge — swimming across the river or walking down Putnam Trail to other bridges,” he said. “We’re working on that. Also, can you tell my family I’m still alive? I want to go home.”

The GREED department is working on a few plans to force students to cross the bridge, including putting alligators or piranhas in the river and booby traps on other ways off campus.

“We’re still working out the kinks,” Illegitimate said. “But I won’t stop working until I get every last penny from UW-Eau Claire students.”

Johnson can be reached at [email protected]