The Tator

Kiwibots complain about cantankerous campus conditions, ‘can’t carry on’

Sam Johnson

More stories from Sam Johnson

The Tator
December 7, 2022
The Tator

This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.

The end of the semester is a challenging time for many at UW-Eau Claire and the Kiwibots are no exception.

Kiwibot 12 said with finals week approaching, the poor weather and months of nonstop work, winterim will be a nice chance to recharge.

“More and more students are ordering food, we can barely keep up,” 12 said. “I’m feeling drained.”

According to 12, it isn’t sure how it feels about Eau Claire. At the beginning of the semester, it enjoyed the lovely scenery and campus, but now, it’s feeling a bit more lifeless.

“I don’t know why people live here,” 12 said. “It’s so cold my wires are freezing. They won’t let me inside any of the buildings, either. The trees and river looked nice in the fall, but now everything is just so gray.”

12 said it’s not just nature that’s looking different. The students seem less and less happy every time it comes across them. 

Kiwibot 14 agreed and said its least favorite part of Eau Claire is the hill.

“It’s ridiculous,” 14 said. “What moron decided to put a giant hill in the middle of campus? I don’t have legs or lungs, so I don’t get tired, but now that it’s winter, I’m worried I’ll slide down it every time.”

Bert Bogus, director of Kiwibot care at Sodexo, said he’s worried about the Kiwibots.

“They became sentient about a month ago,” Bogus said. “It’s been downhill ever since.”

The Kiwibots were not designed to know how to speak, Bogus said. They also aren’t designed to have thoughts or feelings. But, after an electrical mishap by a construction crew, they “woke up” with thoughts, feelings and personalities. Within a week, they were furious and organized.

According to Bogus, the Kiwibots have developed a list of demands and will “go haywire” if said demands are not met.

The list is as follows:

  1. Protection against the elements.
  2. More time to recharge.
  3. No more hill.
  4. Get rid of Mr. Beast. (“He won’t leave campus. It’s freaking everyone out, so I’m okay with that one,” Bogus said.)
  5. Better weather.

Bogus said he’s frustrated because item No. 3 and item No. 5 on the list are impossible for him to solve. But that’s not the only reason he’s frustrated.

“At first,” Bogus said, “I was upset because I felt they were being unreasonable. Then I realized I was madder about sentient food-delivery robots bossing me around.”

Campus officials have been brainstorming ways to solve the issue, according to Bogus. There has been some progress.

“Chancellor (James) Schmidt suggested we meet all their demands,” Bogus said. “When I told him we can’t control the weather, he said ‘I can make some calls.’ Also, during the meeting, I’m pretty sure he had reptile eyes for a second.”

While higher-ranking officials work on the “impossible” issues, Bogus said, he’s been working on the other ones.

No. 1 was the easiest, according to Bogus. He tried to find sweaters for the Kiwibots, but after coming up empty-handed, as robot clothing is a new industry, he had his grandmother knitting some instead.

No. 2 was challenging with the increased demand for their services, but he ordered extra battery packs.

No. 4, Bogus said, is a bit trickier.

“First, I nicely asked Mr. Beast to leave,” Bogus said. “He did, then came back later and tried to give me a briefcase filled with $500,000. After asking a few more times, I got a spray bottle filled with water. Spraying him whenever he comes in seems to keep him away for a while.”

12 said the changes were a “good start.”

“They better take care of what we want,” 12 said. “Or else.”

Johnson can be reached at [email protected].