Editor’s note: This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.

The UW-Eau Claire campus is off this winter as the lack of snow and staggering temperatures ranging from thirty to fifty degrees F leave the students, staff and greater community confused.

According to Extreme Weather Watch, in the month of February, the high so far has been 59 F on Feb. 8, the highest ever recorded on this day. For reference, the lowest temperature for this day was -30 F in 1899. 

The first case of snowfall this academic year was on Halloween, quickly melting and leaving a green winter for Eau Claire residents.

The reasoning for this shift in weather and temperatures was not clarified until a source reached out to The Spectator last week. The Easter Bunny sent an email asking to meet.

“I know I shouldn’t be telling you this, but the people deserve to know! My holiday is right around the corner and I don’t want people to ignore this and let all my chocolate melt in the heat,” Easter Bunny said.

According to Bunny, Jack Frost was late for a meeting in September as he had to get back from Antarctica. He is currently working on an ice expansion project down there that was taking longer than expected.

Once he arrived at the holiday committee meeting, Santa Claus allegedly screamed at Frost for being late and wasting all of their time. Claus threatened suspension and to “give the sack” to Frost.

“It was a nightmare. Everyone thinks of Claus as a jolly man, but when people aren’t on time he goes ballistic. That man is more obsessed with punctuality than Father Time,” Easter Bunny said.

According to Bunny, Frost screamed back at Claus and threatened no snow on Christmas if Claus went through with it. After the meeting, Claus suspended Frost.

After reaching out, the Tooth Fairy agreed to an interview. She said that Frost left in a huff that day and hasn’t been in the office since. She stated his suspension was supposed to only be two weeks.

“If you ask me this whole thing is a mess. They’re both just mad that they have to share winter. You should have seen when Jack tried to ice out Christmas. Without Rudolph, he would have gotten away with it. I guess Jack thought he’d try the opposite,” Tooth Fairy said.

The lack of snow and ice has led to a lot of changes on campus this winter. According to their website, the 11th annual Jig’s Up Blugold ice fishing competition has been canceled due to the lack of ice to fish on.

Neither Claus or Frost are inclined to comment on the situation and nobody has heard how this weather change will impact the spring and summer. 

“These two knuckleheads better figure this out before next winter or we’ll replace them both. At this rate I’ll take that Snow Meiser over these two arguing,” Tooth Fairy said.

Fisher can be reached at [email protected].