This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.

In a south basement corner of Murray Hall, gently sways a faded neon striped hammock. Gifted to the university at the completion of the building in 1966, the Murray Hall Hammock has been padlocked to the wall — undisturbed — for decades. Until now. 

Mooray, the hall mascot, contacted The Spectator and claimed that it was stolen in the middle of the night and desecrated. 

“They snuck in through the pipes in the middle of the night and put it through a wash cycle on high. These criminals have no respect for our history,” Mooray said.

According to Mooray, the assailants snuck into Murray Hall through an open basement window, broke through the padlocked strings with bolt cutters and put it through one of the communal washing machines found nearby. 

The history of the hammock spans generations. A student from the ‘90s proposed to two of his wives next to it, the movie “Twilight” has been pirated a record 21 times in it and it is fabled that the last will and testament of Arthur Murray is sewed into the fabric of the hammock itself. 

If what Mooray says is true, every piece of history, each toenail clipping and dandruff flake, is now gone. 

The authorities refuse to run official forensics testing on the hammock to validate Mooray’s claims. According to the local criminology lab, the tests on hammock toxicology reports can run a bill upwards of  $1 million.

Authorities released a statement earlier today to The Spectator. They said that they aren’t willing to make that investment on a basis of lay claim, but Mooray says that it’s a case of public responsibility.

“They don’t understand the cultural impact this will have on the university,” Mooray said.

No one is sure if what Mooray claims is the truth, but if the crime did happen, it is a devastating blow for the morale of students across campus. The Murray Hall Hammock has been a mainstay of campus activity over the past academic year. 

Gatherings on each full moon have been held in its shadows to appease the ghosts of chancellors past. It is unclear if these ceremonies will continue to happen now that the hammock has been allegedly disturbed.

An anonymous student who runs the lunar ceremony said, “I think we will see whether Mooray is speaking the truth after the ceremony this month. If Arthur Murray’s ghost comes back to seek revenge on students the morning of Feb. 10, we will all know what happened.”

Nobody is quite sure what precautions are to be taken in case the spirit of the Murray Hall Hammock is disturbed.

The anonymous source involved with the lunar ceremony says that it is best to wear your socks on the opposite foot on Feb. 10 to make sure his aggravated spirit does not try to take over your body. 

The collective outcry from the public is sure to deter anymore illegal handling of the hammock, but it is unclear if any new protective measures will be put in place. The authorities reiterate that they refuse to waste public resources on preserving a basement hammock. 

In any case, The Spectator officially advises the students of the UW-Eau Claire to not touch the Murray Hall Hammock until further investigation can be done.  

Pawlisch can be reached at [email protected].