Swing and a Miss

Why do they call it a down if they’re going up the field?

Thomas DeLapp

More stories from Thomas DeLapp

Swing and a Miss
May 10, 2023

Photo by Marisa Valdez

Ah, football. The pride of America. The favorite pastime of Dads everywhere. I do not understand its appeal at all.

The Super Bowl was just last weekend, and the Kansas City Chiefs slipped away with the win. Some people are very mad about this. Others are very happy. I hope everyone had a good time.

I detailed some of my past experience with football in last week’s Swing and a Miss, but for my reader (there’s only one of them, hi Mom) who might have missed it, I’ll give a short rundown here.

I tried, really hard, to like football when I was a kid. I wanted to like it, and I almost convinced myself I did. But it was all a lie. It isn’t just that it’s hard to be a Minnesota Vikings fan. It’s that I just get so impatient with football. 

They stop every thirty seconds. The game takes forever. Why do the points come in sixes and sevens? Who made this stuff up?

On a much more serious note, I’m also very concerned about the head injuries players consistently receive. It was a bad movie, but “Concussion,” starring Will Smith, confronted the very real long-term consequences of the sport. For many fans, the film was like a slap in the face (hold for laughter). But for real, let’s stop playing this silly game. 

Because I’m so tired of football discourse, though, today I will highlight the part of football I truly love: uniforms. I may not understand the plays, but I can certainly appreciate a nice color scheme and logo set.

I’m gonna get this out of the way right now: the Vikings undeniably have the coolest colors and logo. I am not biased because I’m from Minnesota. Purple and gold are so nice. So refreshing. I love that blonde Viking guy too. It pays tribute to Minnesota’s large history of Scandinavian immigration. Plus, he’s got a dope mustache.

Also, I mean, come on. They have horns on their helmets. That’s literally where horns go. It’s logical.

To prove I’m not biased, want to hear who has the second-best color scheme? The Green Bay Packers. I’m not going to lie, green and gold is classy. Timeless. Any Minnesota reader (hi Mom) is probably furious with me right now — which just makes me dislike football more. Who cares what team you like. Get over yourselves and everyone be friends.

The worst colors, by far, are teams like the Patriots, the Bills and the Texans, who just use blue and red. Way to go, guys. Super imaginative. The Bengals’ orange and black colors hurt to look at, but at least they’re trying a little bit.

However, I think everything comes down to maybe the most controversial team colors, the Miami Dolphins. Now, I’m torn on this one. On one hand, I admire the bold choices of aqua and orange. I love aqua. Good color. But I don’t think it looks good on a football field.

It clashes with the green of the grass so much. It ends up looking messy and wrong, like when a first grader colors a tiger blue. Tigers are not blue, football teams probably shouldn’t be aqua. Just dumb. But then again, playing football is pretty dumb, so maybe the Dolphins are onto something.

Tune in next week for more riveting sports analysis on Swing and a Miss.

DeLapp can be reached at [email protected].