The Tator

In light of the Coronavirus, President Trump bans all Corona Beer in the United States

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(Disclaimer: This article is satire and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the views of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.)

According to CNN, there have been nine reported cases of the coronavirus in the United States. In order to “keep America great,” President Donald Trump announced last Friday that all Corona beer has been banned in the United States.

“This virus must be stopped, so I am signing this executive order to ban all Corona beer in the United States of America,” Trump said. “If we are going to keep America great, then we must keep this Mexican beer away from our borders.”

Trump stated only a week before that he was confused about how a “Mexican virus” could have started in China. 

“It’s another ploy from Mexico; they’re trying anything and everything to get through my wall,” Trump said. “I just want the American people to know that with Corona gone from our liquor store shelves, no more lives will be taken from this great, great country.”

When asked about how he made the connection between the COVID-19 pandemic and the Corona beer, he cited many questionable sources. 

“I spend at least eight hours of my workday on Twitter and have seen countless memes circulating around the virus and its connection to the beer,” Trump said. “I know a connection when I see it and it is my presidential obligation to sever that connection at all costs.”

Corona has been reported to have lost sales already due to a lower amount of people drinking in China due to the virus, but sales seem to be unaffected in the United States and some sources say they’re going up.

Trump’s executive order will only hinder Corona’s performance in the midst of this unfortunate mix-up.

Mississippi beer drinker Chuck Dardy agrees with Trump’s decision to ban Corona.

“Hell yeah I agree with him, Corona is piss water,” Dardy said. “Me and my wives only drink that pristine Bud Light and Trump definitely knows what beer should and should not be in the liquor store.”

When asked about the coronavirus itself, Dardy did not know what the virus was.

Chad Erickson, third-year biology student at Duke University, has rather negative thoughts on the president’s decision. 

“We finally have concrete evidence that our president is a total nutcase,” Erickson said. “This is the most asinine decision in the United State’s history and I look forward to laughing at it in textbooks years down the road.”

Corona has declined to comment.

Doyle can be reached at [email protected]