The Tator

Mikoulinskii and Schilling run unopposed after other prospective candidates go missing


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(Disclaimer: This article is satire and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the views of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.)

As Blugolds went to vote in Student Senate elections this past week, many were surprised to see that the presidential ticket had only one option. 

After a heated presidential race last fall, it was odd to see no one else interested in the highest office in the Senate. 

This past weekend off-campus senator Kelly Stone revealed how Mikoulinskii and Schilling won the race without even needing to campaign. 

Stone exposed two other presidential campaigns were planned by other senators, but Mikoulinskii and Schilling were not fond of the competition. 

“The other campaigns were Meyer and Muraski, and Erickson and Irving — all off-campus senators,” Stone said, “and Mikoulinskii and Schilling showed aggression toward anyone who mentioned they were running for president.”

According to Stone, the other four senators who were running were bullied for weeks by the Mikoulinskii and Schilling campaign before anything changed. 

“The other candidates were strong, and never let up even amid the intimidation,” Stone said, “but then, one-by-one, those senators started disappearing.”

Over the course of three weeks, friends of the senators who were running didn’t hear from them and they didn’t show up to the Senate meetings, all right around the time when Mikoulinskii and Schilling started campaigning on campus and online. 

“The coincidence here is too big to overlook, and yet no other senators are speaking up,” Stone said. “I feel like they may be restraining themselves in fear that they might be next.”

The four senators Meyer, Muraski, Erickson and Irving were all added to the missing persons list this past weekend, only days before the election. 

Without any proof, accusing Mikoulinskii and Schilling will do nothing since they run unopposed, but Stone believes that there may not be a way to prove her point, given the methods available today to make people disappear. 

“My theory is that Mikoulinskii and Schilling hired some sort of hitman from the dark web,” Stone said. “There would be no way to track that. I just hope that I am wrong.”

Stone thinks that no one has done anything about the missing students due to fear of going missing as well. 

“I am putting my life on the line here and begging others to look into this,” Stone said. “It’s not a conspiracy theory if we can prove it.”

Student Senate elections will be held online from April 12-14. 

Doyle can be reached at [email protected]