Adrian Northrup

Dear Ask Anything,
What is the deal with Daylight Saving Time? It gets dark by 5 p.m. now! I can’t handle it!
– Gloomy Tuesday

Amen to that! In case you didn’t know it already, President Bush signed an Energy Policy Act last year that changes the Daylight Saving Time beginning in 2007. With that in mind, you will spring forward on March 11 and fall back on Nov. 4. That should alleviate some of the bleak darkness of the upcoming winter season.

Bush’s policy, however, still does not solve my biggest beef with DST, which is a desperate need for it every week. My solution is to give an extra hour every Saturday night to make our weekends that much more awesome (not to mention keeping the bars open a tad later – if you’re into that sort of thing). But, just to keep that excitement at bay, take the hour back every Sunday night because Monday mornings already suck about as hard as they possibly can.

If people developed from monkeys and apes, why do they still exist? Will they evolve in our lifetime?
– Flinging Poo

You may think that I would research this question by asking genetics professors and scientists and responding with a thoughtful, concise answer. But I’m sorry to disappoint you; that’s not going to happen.

I have found that the best answer to any question is the simplest one. In this case, primates are still around for our personal amusement. If you ask 100 people, “what is your favorite animal to visit at the zoo,” I bet a majority would say the monkeys.

I mean seriously, how many movies and TV shows have used chimps for comic relief? Have you seen the greatest movie ever made (with a snowboarding monkey) called “MXP: Most Xtreme Primate?” Clint Eastwood even used one in “Every Which Way But Loose.” And clearly you’ve never seen the classic ’70s series “Lancelot Link: Secret Chimp.”

They’re great because they act like humans with total disregard for primal instincts. For instance, they will throw poop, tear things apart and masturbate at the drop of a hat.

Plus, when you put them in human clothes and record human voices over their actions, it’s hilarious. Have you seen the Career Builder commercials?

Even better, however, is when they attempt to control their fine motor skills without opposable thumbs. Have you seen any try to use a spoon to eat? It’s like a white performer on “Showtime at the Apollo;” it just doesn’t work.

Will they evolve? I think eventually they’ll unionize to get paid more and agree not to be used solely for comic relief. I’m looking forward to seeing some more of their dramatic work.

Imagine: Michael Bay presents Lancelot Link as Marc Antony in “Julius Caeser.” The epic story of the would-be-ruler of Rome slain at the hands of Brutus, played stoicly by Ben Affleck.