The Tator

‘Water War Z’: zombies attack Water Street on Saturday

Sam Johnson

More stories from Sam Johnson

The Tator
December 13, 2022
The Tator

This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.

A zombie apocalypse struck Eau Claire on Saturday, Oct. 29, according to Arthur Straightedge, a fictional first-year student.

Straightedge said, at 1 a.m., while watching scary, PG-rated Halloween movies in his Towers South dorm, he got hungry for a snack.

Straightedge and Alex Square, first-year geography student and Straightedge’s roommate, decided to go to the Water Street Kwik Trip where they were nearly attacked.

“I started to notice things were off once I turned on to Water (Street),” Square said. “There were tons of people out, especially for how late it was.”

According to Straightedge, he’s a bit of a night owl, often roaming Eau Claire in the wee hours of the morning. He’d never seen Water Street so busy.

“I’m pretty up to date on what’s going on in town,” Straightedge said. “But I still figured there must be some sort of Halloween thing, with all the college kids out and about.”

Square said he was trying to be rational, blaming his concern on too many spooky movies in a row, but still couldn’t help but be afraid.

Once he parked his car and looked around more, Straightedge said he realized they were in danger.

The people around Straightedge and Square were stumbling and slurring their words, traveling aimlessly in packs, Straightedge said. There was only one explanation: zombies.

“I didn’t think zombies were real,” Straightedge said. “Now, I’m not sure what else it could be.”

Straightedge said they raced back to their dorm, ran inside and hid. They barely slept that night out of fear. The zombies had made their way to campus by approximately 2:30 a.m. and were walking into various dorms, including the one they were in.

The next morning, Square said he hoped it was just a bad dream and went outside. 

“It was around 9 (a.m.),” he said. “They were still there.”

According to Square, students — allegedly recently zombified — were walking through campus with disheveled costumes and lifeless eyes. Once he saw this, Square sprinted back to his dorm, which he hasn’t left since.

Rashard Fake, Dooley’s manager, said there’s nothing to worry about.

“Dude, it’s Halloween weekend in a college town,” Fake said. “Those weren’t zombies, they were drunk people.”

According to Fake, the wave of undead college-aged people was actually just inebriated UW-Eau Claire students celebrating Halloween at Water Street’s numerous bars.

Andrea Fictitious, a fourth-year kinesiology and biology student, said she was one of them.

“We were just partying,” Fictitious said. “Though I might as well be a zombie after last night.”

Fictitious said the zombies on upper campus on Sunday, Oct. 30, were likely just hungover people in search of Ibuprofen, water and food.

Sergeant Deborah Imaginary of the Eau Claire Police Department said it’s a common occurrence.

“Everyone drinks on Halloween, which is a real problem for us, unlike zombies,” Imaginary said. “Please stop wasting my time.”

According to Imaginary, drunken college students are to be expected in a college town. There’s no need for concern unless the concern is surrounding underage drinking. Zombies, allegedly, aren’t real.

This is a developing story.

Johnson can be reached at [email protected].