UWEC administration unveils new Schofield Hall bunker for the Chancellor

More stories from Caleb Doyle

The Tator
April 14, 2021

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(Disclaimer: This article is satire and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the views of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.)

A new addition to Schofield Hall was previewed by administrative assistant Jodi Hopkins last weekend.

Hopkins showed off a newly built bunker in the Schofield Hall basement in a YouTube video posted on Sunday.

The bunker consists of a large personal office for Chancellor James C. Schmidt to retreat to when he deems it necessary. The office has a desk, fridge and futon in case the Chancellor needs to stay the night in there. 

“The Chancellor did not feel safe in his office anymore with all the backlash students were giving him about campus issues, so we decided to cut funds from the computer science program and put them toward this new state-of-the-art bunker,” Hopkins said.

This new installation cost the university over $40,000 and is able to withstand a nuclear bomb.

“We just wanted a nice safe haven for the Chancellor to retreat to when he wants to avoid student concerns or questions from the press,” Hopkins said. “We want to let him pick and choose who he replies to and make sure he feels safe when he declines from a newspaper like The Spectator.”

Hopkins also talked about possible renovations to make the bunker bigger in case vice-chancellors and other administration staff wish to avoid controversy or questioning. 

“In a perfect world, the bunker will be able to fit the entire administration in it by 2027,” Hopkin said, “but that is, of course, assuming we can kill the computer science program completely and take all of their money.”

Hopkins said this goal will not be an easy task, but nothing good in life is obtained easily.

There were mixed responses from students on campus to the video posted this weekend.

Jade Wellington, a third-year psychology student, favors the idea of the bunker due to the Constitution of the United States of America.

“This is what happens when you give people the freedom of speech,” Wellington said. “You make the Chancellor have to hide, so he can keep doing whatever he’s doing.” 

Wellington believes if the government controlled speech and made it illegal for negativity against UW-Eau Claire to exist, campus would be a much better place for everyone, including the Chancellor. 

Other students were more upset with the bunker, like John Amber, a third-year chemistry student.

“Our Chancellor is literally a child and our administration is a joke,” Amber said. “This is enough for me to continue my final year of education at a different university, I’m not funding their insanity anymore.”

Doyle can be reached at [email protected]