The Tator

University to sell Stowe Family Fountain due to low funding this semester

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(Disclaimer: This article is satire and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the views of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.)

COVID-19 has brought financial hardships to businesses, establishments and schools across the globe, and with Centers for Disease Control and Prevention guidelines in place and with decreased funding, things become less convenient for the consumer. 

In an effort to get more funding for the fall semester, UW-Eau Claire announced this past weekend that unnecessary items on campus would be sold in order to bring more money toward education. The first of these items is the Stowe Family Fountain, found in the middle of campus on Garfield Ave. 

Barbara Cyst, an administrative assistant, made the announcement this past weekend. 

“Education is, of course, our top priority here at UWEC,” Cyst said. “That is why we must cut off dead weight on campus in order to make sure our top paid employees can continue to live comfortably.”

Other “dead weight” Cyst mentioned includes the sprites sculpture in front of Centennial Hall, the new arch on Garfield Ave. and Schneider Hall, the College of Business.

“No one is really going to miss these things on campus anyways,” Cyst said. “It’s a very small price to pay for a better experience for all.”

When asked about what would be done with the spaces some of these landmarks and buildings take up after being sold, Cyst explained that plans have been in the works for months now.

“There are buildings named after many important UWEC figures and donors and we, as an administration, believe that Chancellor Jim deserves some recognition on campus,” Cyst said.

“Recognition” means a twenty-foot marble statue of Chancellor James C. Schmidt in the place where the Stowe Family Fountain resides now.

“Chancellor Jim has done so much for this campus and we believe that some of the money made selling the fountain and other dead weight on campus should go toward the statue,” Cyst said. 

Students and faculty have widely expressed a mixture of anger, disgust and abhorrence. 

Dale Jones, a chemistry professor, has already resigned in response.

“We need funding for our department, not this statue,” Jones said. 

Sydney Farr, a third-year communications student, said she is considering dropping out.

“It’s sad to see our university put money toward statues of our incompetent chancellor, and not toward making our experience here better amidst a pandemic,” Farr said. 

Doyle can be reached at [email protected].