Screaming On the Inside

It’s the end of my world as I know it

Madeline Fuerstenberg

More stories from Madeline Fuerstenberg

November 2, 2020

Well, we’ve made it. It’s our last week of the semester before finals. 

This is my final week as editor-in-chief of the semester. Next week will be the last week of my lease. This was also the last week for my dog, who was put down earlier today. 

Needless to say, this is not a great time for me. I’m getting hit with a lot of change at once and my mental health is not having it. 

This is a stressful time for most of us. That fact is only multiplied when you consider the absolute chaos of this semester. I’m glad we’re nearing the end, but I am dreading these next two weeks. 

As I sit and think about all the projects or exams I have due in the upcoming days, I can’t help but die a little on the inside. I also really need to start packing up my apartment.

Unfortunately, I can’t exactly message my professors or my landlord and say, “Sorry, my dog died and I’m not really feeling it at the moment. Raincheck?”

Thus, I persist. This week will be dedicated to final projects. Next week will be dedicated to exams and packing. The week after that, naturally, will be dedicated to homelessness. The new lease doesn’t start until June 1, after all. 

Of course, moving and storing all my stuff for the entirety of “Homeless Week” is a source of stress entirely on its own. 

Do I have the upper body strength to move my heavy furniture out of my apartment? Nope. Do I have a way to transport large furniture? No. Do I have the money to afford a storage unit? Of course not. It’ll be a fun “figure it out in the moment” sort of game.

In summation, I am very stressed out right now. But, hey, at least I don’t have to run a newspaper anymore. (Love you, Spectator.)

The more I think about all of this, the less motivated I am to actually do it. I’ve been powering through the show “Superstore” and sleeping a lot instead. And while I do enjoy both of those things immensely, neither option is exactly productive.

I know I’ll eventually just have to suck it up, do the assignments and start packing — it’s just hard doing that while simultaneously fighting off a complete meltdown.

Now more than ever, I am screaming like a banshee on the inside. I’m trying to remind myself that things typically work out. I’ll get through this like I always do, but it’s hard to envision the future when so much is uncertain.

I don’t do well with change. In fact, my doctor diagnosed me with an adjustment disorder when I was 17. Times like these are when my depression and anxiety symptoms tend to hit the hardest.

I have a good support system though. And I can’t let myself forget that I’ve got some really good things going for me, as well. No matter how it feels in the moment, it’s not all bad. It just happens to be hard at that moment.

So, even though I’m sure we’re all starting to feel that classic end-of-year pressure, we should all just be grateful that there is at least an end in sight. I sure am.

Fuerstenberg can be reached at [email protected]