The Tator

United States exiles Florida after multiple beaches re-open

More stories from Caleb Doyle

The Tator
April 14, 2021

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(Disclaimer: This article is satire and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the views of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.)

Last Friday, the mayor of Jacksonville, Fla. allowed several beaches to be reopened in an effort to let people go outside and exercise. This has led to nationwide criticism and backlash, even from Florida’s own governor. 

As a result, President Donald Trump made an executive order to exile Florida from the United States. Florida is no longer a state and has become its own country.

“Florida is home to countless stupid people and poor decisions and this was the last straw,” Trump said. “Our country is done dealing with Florida and I think the collective IQ of the United States has gone up, thanks to me of course.” 

Jacksonville’s mayor gave guidelines for the re-opening of the beaches. Activities such as sunbathing or any type of group activity will not be allowed at beaches and items like towels, blankets, chairs, coolers and grills will not be permitted on the beach.

Jacksonville’s mayor also made a point to encourage people to continue practicing social distancing in order for the beaches to remain open. 

“The people did not follow these guidelines and I have just had it,” Trump said. “I cannot sit here and watch as people fill up the beaches and party during a pandemic.” 

Trump said he may have been more lenient with Florida if they had not already chosen to keep the state open during the weeks of spring break, last month.

The response to Trump’s decision has been very positive, bringing his approval rating up more than ten points.

Lisa Elliot, a cashier from Georgia, near the Florida border, said these poor decisions need to remain in the state they came from in the first place. 

“Good riddance; if they want to walk around not social distancing, at least keep it in Florida,” Elliot said. “Knowing those morons will not be able to just cross the border makes my family and I feel much safer. I’ve always been anti-Trump, but for once, I agree with him.”

Other Americans are just happy to see Florida gone in general. Bob Mueller, a resident of Manhattan, N.Y.  is happy to see the state disconnected from the country.

“I swear, every day I would see a headline that started with ‘Florida man’ and ended with something ridiculous,” Mueller said. “I’m very happy to see that white trash state gone. Perhaps President Trump can make a wall to block Florida off from the rest of the country.”

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention calculated that Florida has 60 more days before the virus will affect everyone in the state. The new President of Florida definitely has his work cut out for him. 

Doyle can be reached at [email protected]