The Tator

Breaking News: Blu the Blugold tests positive for COVID-19

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(Disclaimer: This article is satire and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the views of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.)

Last Friday, Blu the Blugold was admitted into the HSHS Sacred Heart Hospital with a fever, dry cough and difficulty breathing. 

Fearing the worst, the administration let Blu out of his cage for the first time in almost a month in order to get him some care.

The worst then became a reality, as Blu tested positive for COVID-19. 

Blu was placed on a  ventilator due to the severity of the case and doctors say he will recover just fine, but are dumbfounded as to how a bird caught the disease.

Dale Roberts, a doctor with the hospital, tended to Blu and is reportedly worried about other animals being able to catch the virus. 

“Research has been floating around about dogs possibly having the ability to catch the disease, but I don’t think any professional could have seen this coming,” Roberts said. 

Roberts said, because Blu caught the virus, he is extremely worried the virus could affect animals instead of just humans, as originally thought. 

“However, what is most interesting is the fact that this rare bird is now able to be studied,” Roberts said.  “Most people believe that the blugold is a fake bird when in reality it’s a near-extinct species that is being held in a cage underneath Schofield Hall on the UW-Eau Claire campus.” 

Roberts granted many curious ornithologists into Blu’s hospital room to study the rare bird before he was returned to his prison. 

The administration was very upset with the entire scenario and is worried about the health of Chancellor James Schmit. 

“Chancellor Jim is the only one allowed access to Blu’s cell, where he feeds him a teriyaki bowl every day,” Bridget Barnes, an administrative assistant, said.

Barnes said the only way Blu could have gotten the virus is from Schmidt himself. However, Schmidt denies having the virus and has refused to get tested. 

“Blu has not been let out of his cage since mid-March, and even then he is only allowed out for sporting events and to harass students who wear blue or gold on Fridays,” Barnes said.

Barnes said the administration is not going to go back to work until Schmidt gets tested. 

UW-Eau Claire students have been very supportive of Blu and have been sending him cards, which mean nothing to him since he is a bird and cannot read.

It’s the thought that counts.

More updates to follow.

Doyle can be reached at [email protected]