The Tator

Nightmare before Christmas? More like nightmare that is Christmas

More stories from Ryan Huling

The Tator

This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the views of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire. 

Halloween has officially passed and thus ends the season of Tumblr girls telling me that they are “so spoopy” and seeing too many people poorly dressed up as Vines. But, with the end of a bat-tastic season (these puns have overwhelmed my Twitter feed) comes the dawn of one that is just as, if not more, painful to endure: the holiday season.

Starting even before Oct. 31 and all its happy haunts, the era of basted turkeys and smiling snowmen had already begun to creep in. Christmas music albums started being released in waves as Pentatonix, John Legend and Jessie J have all prematurely given out their Christmas presents. I am truly terrified that too much of this will wake Mariah Carey before we are ready for her. Without even trying, Michael Bublé has snuck his way into my head, serenading me to sleep with the words of “All I Want For Christmas Is You.” That was much scarier than anything I saw on Halloween.

What lies ahead is a path surrounded by quirky, Christmas-obsessed teenagers and temperatures more annoying than chilly. Already I have been bombarded by women in elf sweaters telling me it’s “never too early for Christmas” and men cramming themselves to the brim with cookies because it’s “that time of the year.”

The holiday bug has creeped into my family and friends’ heads at lightning speed. I’ve received countless texts from my grandparents, demanding I tell them my top five favorite holiday cookies or else they will send eight batches. This morning, my dad FaceTimed me at 7 a.m. to show me the Christmas lights he had already strung across our roof. My roommate has gone through one pound of hot chocolate mix in less than one week. Where will the madness end?

The shopping urge is overwhelming me. I’ve spent $300 on Christmas gifts for myself and Black Friday deals have not even been released. For a broke college student, I regret every purchase. A third soft blanket, the same color as the other two I already own, two new video games that I don’t have the time to play and a Keurig Coffee Maker that is simply one version better than the one I already own. It’s almost like a parasite is feasting on my checking account.

This virus has spread to all of my senses. When I close my eyes to sleep, all I see are lights in the shape of reindeer and candy canes. I smell peppermint and gingerbread in every room. Late at night, when it is very quiet, I can hear sleigh bells that are almost out of earshot. An impending doom, taunting me. Mocking me.

These next two months are etched out to be the most painful two months of the year. What’s even worse is the fact that it’s annual. It hasn’t even snowed yet and I already get the chills. How long must the Sugar Plum Fairies torment not only my dreams, but my reality?

Huling can be reached at [email protected].