Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
You will be confronted by someone posing as one of the participants in those GNC “Strongman” competitions. He is going to ask if he can lift you over his head, but he can’t, so don’t let him! Allowing this buff a shot at lifting your bod could result in serious injury.

Aries (March 21 – Apr. 19)
This is totally going to be your week, so you better get out. Anyone you try to pick up will have no chance to say no because they can’t. Who would pass up an oppurtunity with awesome Aries this week?

Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20)
Skip on the caf tonight and head straight for Hilltop instead. The tots will be stale, and the pizza will be gone. Cereal will be your only back-up plan, and who wants to waste an entire transfer meal on that?

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
Don’t forget to hit up Sonic today between 2 and 4 p.m. Happy hour is calling your name, and there are over 200,000 flavor combinations!

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
When you go to a party this weekened, you’re going to need to pee like a frickin’ racehorse. In your panic towards the bathroom, you are going to drop your phone in the toilet. Make sure you grab it first.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
No matter what your parents have told you, you were an accident.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)
You will have the opportunity to hook up with that girl your roommate likes this weekend — you know, the smoking-hot one. I say do it, because your roommate is too scared to anyway.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
You need a gold medal, so I say pick up a new sport. Make sure it’s something totally crazy so you don’t have to worry about there being a lot of competion. How about water polo or synchronized swimming for summer? And curling or ski jumping for winter?

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
A bunch of your high school friends are coming into town this weekend. Be prepared for one drunken night of mayhem.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Your calling in life is reality television, so get some applications in. Family Feud, So You Think You Can Dance, or Bad Girls Club – the sky is the limit.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
A stranger will offer you neon-pink mittens tomorrow because they think you look cold. Although it seems sketchy, you should accept. They will keep you warm.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
It’s about time you feed your bird friends. Head down by the river with a loaf of bread.