Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
This is your month! The stars have aligned and everyone loves you. Soak up all of this adoration because it will be ending in a few weeks.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Watch out for the pumpkin pie. Someone in your family is going to add a laxative to it. If you’re going to partake in the dessert, buy some Pepto-Bismol now!
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
If your family is planning to venture into the great outdoors for your turkey make sure the turkey is indeed dead. Nothing could ruin a Thanksgiving more than a frantic turkey in the kitchen.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20)
If you’re scrambling for a turkey, no worries. The perfect Butterball turkey will be found before Thanksgiving to feed your entire family.
Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19)
If you plan on hunting the day of Thanksgiving, think again. A deer you tried shooting in the past at has it out for you this year, so watch out for the charging deer!
Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20)
An unwelcome guest will be sitting at your Thanksgiving table this year. Try to be as civil as you can to them. If they push you over the deep end, you have my permission to throw a heaping handful of cranberries at them.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
Watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade on TV. A secret admirer will be at the parade holding a special sign up just for you!
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
Wear a bib this Thanksgiving. You’re going to get food all over yourself. Eww!
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
Avoid the mall. Dangers are awaiting you in every store. If you decide to enter, proceed with strong caution in the stores of American Eagle, Scheels and Spencer Gifts.
Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)
Your body is going to reward you for all of the working out you’ve been doing by allowing you to eat what ever you want and not gain a single pound. Eat on!
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
A disturbing family secret will be revealed this Thanksgiving.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Keep a close watch on the ditches while driving home this weekend. The deer are running wild and hate you a lot. Turn your brights on and drive slow.
