Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)
Happy birthday, Virgo! This is your month but don’t rush into things to hastily. Watch out for people who ask you out on Mondays, better wait until Thursday.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Terrible luck is looming around the corner. You will fail your first calculus exam, there’s no doubt about it. Better study hard now if you want to cheat fate. Good luck!

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Congratulations! The planets have aligned in your favor. Your roommate will clean up after you and that pile of dirty laundry will suddenly take care of itself. Way to go! Stay awesome!

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
It feels as if you’ve been walking backwards all week. You clumsily bump into people in the hallways of Hibbard and have been making a fool of yourself, spilling your books everywhere. Turn yourself around. Sincerely, the rest of us.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan 19)
I bet you wish it were Christmas right now. You must haul in a lot of gifts around that time of year. Good news, Christmas is coming early this year! At the end of the month you will be showered with gifts.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
This month is not the month for you. Sorry. Try to avoid everything that brings bad luck, because one little mix up will ruin your life forever . or maybe just for the day.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20)
You’re going to have only one day of great hair this entire month. What’s wrong with you? Go get a haircut and hopefully things will turnaround for you.

Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19)
You’re burning hot this month. Everyone will be after you. Consider going a few days without showering so you can get a break from all the praise you’ll receive.

Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20)
Oh Taurus. I don’t know what to say about you. Take it easy this month and hopefully you’ll see it through to October. Good luck!

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
Take chances this month. If you don’t now, you will regret it later for sure. Plan that exotic vacation before it’s too late. The wind is in your sails. Sail on!

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
Remember to take your vitamins this month. As the temperature dips, you will become susceptible to the flu. The Flintstones chewables taste the best.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
You will experience overwhelmingly rude people this month. You have my permission to spit fire right back at them.