Dear Ask Anything,

Dear Palin Appeal,

I feel your pain. I too have a crush on the grandma. And since her daughter thought it would be a good idea to follow in Jamie Lynn Spears’ footsteps, and I’m not quite ready to be caring after a baby, I’m turning my sights on Sarah.

How quickly we forget that opposites attract. It doesn’t matter, not in the slightest, that you don’t have anything in common. But I’d be willing to bet you have more in common than you think.

See, things in Alaska aren’t that much different than here, just colder. So for instance, if you like to hunt and fish, the only real difference will be that she likely hunts moose while you hunt deer. You may fish – she goes seal clubbing. Yes, seals are mammals, but you both know how to get food out of the water, and that’s the main thing.

But I think the main thing is doing something that no other voter will do in this election, and that’s get informed on her political beliefs. You are going to hear all these things about her and her family, her lack of experience, ties to oil through her husband, and the list goes on.

If you want to court her, do yourself a favor and actually look at her policy. Most voters, especially those who attack her, won’t even consider looking at her political beliefs and simply attack her as a person. Essentially this will leave you by process of elimination.

In the mean time, if you plan on breaking into places she is at or near, you have to invest in a gas mask. And it probably wouldn’t hurt you to contact Forrest Gump and tell him that if your flashlight bothers him to simply call your cell and not hotel management.

Dear Ask Anything,

Leaving Las Vegas

Well you have come to the right place; all the other half of the Ask Anything crew knows about is football and beer. I, on the other hand, have spent my life broadening my horizons and know enough movie knowledge that I have a 2,786-0 record when it comes to the game Scene It.

The first part of your answer I won’t explain. I’ll just say despite being marketed as an action movie, the film really is a metaphor and attempts to send a message against sexual promiscuity.

So, with that in mind, break the first word of the title into its syllables, say them separately, then say the title’s second word, and that should give you an answer for what the title means.

There is nothing the MPAA can do to prevent Nicolas Cage from making movies, so petitioning them won’t do you a lot of good. The only thing you could do with the MPAA that would force Cage to make better movies is somehow get people you know and who agree with you on the actual ratings board.

From there, they could then give every movie Cage is in that sucks an NC-17 rating, which in the movie world means suicide for any movie as far as monetary gain is concerned. Just ask Jessie Spano, aka Elizabeth Berkley and her “Showgirls” crew.

With that plan being nearly impossible, I would have to say the easiest way to prevent Cage movies that don’t revolve around alcoholics would be to not see a Cage movie unless it’s about an alcoholic.

People generally forget the little known fact that Hollywood doesn’t make movies unless they think they can make money off of them. And if Cage movies would start to decline in their monetary gain, then the studios won’t be so hot to trot on funding projects with him attached. But when they see that movies with him as an alcoholic seem to always do well, the studios will only green light films with that premise to be made.

With “Bangkok Dangerous” making a little over $7 million this weekend on only 2,650 screens, I would say the stage is set for either plan to work. Cage’s next movie likely will be “Ghost Rider 2” after recently signing on to continue his trend of starring in sequels to movies that don’t need sequels. But after that, his career is up in the air, which for you is a good thing. And no “Face/Off 2,” “Con Air 2,” “The Rock 2” or “World Trade Center 2” is a good thing for all of us.