Lyssa Beyer

Dear Ask Anything,
It’s Valentine’s Day and I am single. I am not one of those angry, Valentine’s-hater-type people, but I don’t know how to spend my day without sulking or being annoying by calling it “Singles Awareness Day.” What should I do? Do you know of any hip activities going on?
Sincerely,
Single, so what?

Dear Single,
So what is right. Let’s start by turning “Singles Awareness Day,” into “Singles Appreciation Day.” If you appreciate the fact that you’re single, instead of just coming to a realization that you’re alone, you can appreciate your alone-ness as freedom. And, you can assume that people in relationships are jealous. They are tied down while you’re running free – no ball and chain attached.

Because, admit it, no matter how much a person loves somebody, even the most faithful of couples still have fantasies. And they are jealous of your singleness. They want to go out and have fun with that hottie in their math class. They want to find out if so-and-so really is a good kisser. They want to grind up with a random at Sheenan’s. But they can’t – and you can.

I once knew this guy that had this thing he called a “gray list.” On it were the names of all the girls, if everyone was single and rules didn’t exist, that he would date, etc. It’s that blurry area between black and white where anything goes.

People in relationships wish the gray list could be real. They wish there was a “Gray-List Day” deep down inside (yeah, that’s right. You know you want it). Think how lucky you are. You don’t need a gray list.

In this sense, the term “Black Thursday,” should not be used to refer to this Valentine’s Day. Remember, this Valentine’s Day is very gray. No black and white – only fun to be had.

“Singles Appreciation Day” will also be the perfect day for singles around the world to unite. Couples everywhere will be filling up restaurants, causing obnoxious waits and using only two chairs at every four-top table. What a waste.

Singles – you don’t have to stand for this. Protest. Stand outside the restaurant you want and scream. Don’t allow this practice to go on. It’s too late this year, but next year plan ahead. Call restaurants all over your town and start making reservations for four. At least the tables will get used that way.

Then, after your eve of destruction, finish off at the bars for a little celebration. Of course, many bars are having specials for singles – encouraging others to meet and end their reign of singleness. Don’t do that, but instead show off that hot body and give your self-esteem a little boost. That’s what I do, because, as my co-columnist Scott confirmed, my body rocks, and he’s just jealous because he doesn’t have the dance moves to keep up. Don’t worry Scott, you’ll get there. In the meantime, the Sheenan’s dance floor is waiting for you. Don’t forget to test out the whore-box.

Dear Ask Anything,
It seems like everyone is coming down with the flu. I want to stay healthy. I know all the normal, physical things I should be doing to prevent it, but do you have any recommendations for mentally keeping the flu away? Will mind over matter work? Are there any secret tribal remedies I should know about?
Sincerely,
Avoiding the Bug

Dear Bug,
Mind over matter, matter over mind. You need to stop stressing. No more worrying about this and that. That five-page paper you have due tomorrow? Don’t do it! Simply explain to your professor how writing about the importance of identity and how it’s causing emotional and political crisis across America is seriously affecting you. Just try it. It might work.

If that doesn’t work, you might have to buckle down and write your paper. But, take a break and do some meditation. Visit the land of calm. Take yourself away – close your eyes and imagine that perfect place. Ah – what serenity. Then open your eyes and realize you’re in the middle of writing a paper. You better snap back to reality or you’re going to go down fast.

Really though, getting the flu wouldn’t be that bad. So you’re sick for a couple of days. Big deal. Think of all the ways you can take advantage of that situation. Like when you were younger, your mom would be there, serving you hand and foot. What’s that? More chicken soup? What’s that? You need me to run to the store and get some 7-up? What’s that? Crackers? What’s that? A vomit bucket?

I guess if you want to try some voodoo you might be able to prevent the flu. Or maybe try sucking down some herbal tea. Make your own even. I’m sure you could turn just about any vegetation into a cup of tea. Just don’t choose poison ivy – then we’ll have a whole ‘nother set of problems.

Finally, do exactly what you’re telling yourself to do. Avoid the bug. Everytime you see that stinkin’ little bugger running around, you run away screaming. Sure, your friends might think your crazy. But they’re going to be puking later and your going to be happily enjoying your life of health and longevity.

This week’s featured columnist is: Lyssa Beyer
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