Lyssa Beyer

Dear Ask Anything,
I noticed that Harry Potter has a really cute scar on his forehead that seems to attract the ladies. I want a cool scar too. What would you recommend I do to get one, and what shape should I aim for? Also, where should I get it?

Funny how you ask me this question when my co-Ask Anything columnist Lyssa thinks she is the master of cool. But Lyssa also claims she has the best body in the world, but she does not have a scar to make her cool! And despite the fact that you aren’t trying to attract me, I am attracted to cute scars. I am heterosexual, but let me tell you, when I saw the “P” branded into Captain Jack Sparrow’s right wrist, I had to do a double take as to what my sexual preference was.

At any rate, I would avoid getting a scar that looks anything similar to what a celebrity has. I know it’s great to feel like a certain character, so getting a scar would make you feel as cool as Harry Potter or Captain Jack Sparrow. But once the ladies see you are trying to imitate someone else and are not just an amazingly attractive person on your own, you’re in trouble. It is unlikely you will find someone obsessed enough with the two previously mentioned characters that they will actually be turned on by the imitation scar, so think originality.

Avoid getting a scar that isn’t you. A lightning bolt works for Potter because if you have ever seen the movie there is a ton of lightning. Sparrow is a pirate, hence the “P.” You need to take something close to you and get that as your scar, whether by branding or cutting it into you somehow.

However, the key is getting it done by a professional and somewhere people will see. Going to a professional ensures your scar will be made perfectly and that it won’t turn into something with different colors and with puss coming out of it. And if a lady is surprised by the scar when she discovers it, you are definitely taking a chance. Make sure it is visible so that if it is an ugly scar to her, she already knows about it.

So there you have it Bolts. Remember all this and you should be well on your way to stardom. Sign your book deal now, and plan to make countless movies by sailing the high seas. You will be glad you did, but more important the ladies will be glad you did too, because if the scars don’t turn them on, at least the money from the deals will.

Dear Ask Anything,
So apparently the groundhog saw its shadow. I am so angry. Is there anything I can do to make spring come more quickly? How should I prepare?

Well I hate to break the news to you, but there is absolutely nothing you can do that will bring spring any quicker than the groundhog will allow. Maybe if you gave me the question a little earlier I could have told you how to get the groundhog to not see its shadow, but like my favorite song by JoJo, it’s just a little too late.

To answer the pivotal question of how you should prepare for spring not coming as soon as you had hoped, you came to the right person. As an avid fan of re-runs and reality television, I can provide an ample supply of ideas for you to consider.

The first idea is of course to watch an “America’s Next Top Model” marathon on VH1. Now anyone who know me knows I hate Tyra Banks more than anything in the world, and love nothing more than to watch her being made fun of repeatedly on E!’s “The Soup,” but I’ll be perfectly frank, I’d be stunned if you agree. So go ahead, watch the marathon, even though I wouldn’t be caught dead watching it unless one of the contestants was crying as I flipped past it on a good old fashioned channel surfing binge.

Really, do you need anymore ideas than that? Probably, so I will add that you could have a marathon of a movie series or even a quality show that got cancelled recently, like “The O.C.” where you can have a marathon anytime you want. Whether you hate her or not, Tyra or any kind of marathon can keep you entertained until spring comes. Look her way or towards another time killing marathon, and spring will only be a couple hundred hours away.

This week’s featured columnist is: Scott Hansen
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