Janie Boschma

Dear Ask Anything,

– Fashion Police

Dear Fashion Police,

When inmates were first being kept wherever they were being kept, the place where they were kept was usually located in a city. The thought was if prisoners escaped, they should not look like a human, something that looked a lot like an animal.

There are a lot of animals that are one solid color. Additionally, there are a lot of animals in the animal kingdom that have patterns all over them, but realistically, no one could make the same pattern for every suit that was made. That is where the zebra comes in. The zebra has a very distinct and very easy pattern to recreate into a one-piece suit.

As people began to see zebras at zoos, their love for the animal grew. This resulted in people taking in inmates that they found wearing the stripes, trying to domesticate them. But inmates can never be tamed, which raises the question “why is there such a thing as parole?” But that’s a different story.

In order to prevent the practice of domesticating inmates, the places where they were kept in the cities were moved to places outside of the city, where if the inmates escaped, they wouldn’t meet anyone who’d want to domesticate them until they starved to death.

Then another problem arose. The sites, far from the cities, were also sites for deer hunting. As inmates began to escape the seemingly impenetrable facilities, paid for by the taxpayers’ money, the number of accidental inmate shootings at the hands of those hoping to get a 30-pointer increased.

So the state decided to change the color of what the inmates were wearing to the bright orange that the inmates of today wear. No longer can they accidentally be shot by deer hunters mistaking them for a deer or even a zebra, because it’s pretty obvious anyone shooting anything wearing that color is doing it on purpose. Additionally, there is no animal that looks remotely close to that color, so that excuse can’t be used.

I am thankful for the changes. If I would have been forced to see my favorite celebrities Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Ritchie wearing black and white stripes, the image of them I have in my head would be ugly and unsatisfying. Luckily, they got to wear the orange of today’s inmates, and now appear in bright orange and flawless as always, not only in my head, but on the pages of tabloids everywhere.

Dear Ask Anything,

– Desperate Dude

Dear Desperate Dude,

I don’t exactly know your price range, and I don’t exactly know your girlfriend, although I’d probably like to. Either way, you’re lucky enough to have me answering this question and not my co-Ask Anything answerer Tim Langton, for I am the more romantic of the two, and more creative! To get a piece of her heart, you’ve got to start from the start.

I think it’s safe to say that if you have a driveway that has been snowed on, shovel the snow off of it, go out and buy the girl a new car, and put one of those huge red bows on it. It makes the woman in the commercial happy every time, so I don’t see why it wouldn’t work in this situation.

Otherwise, I have been seeing an increasingly large amount of commercials for this new jeweler called “Jared.” All these girls with smiles on their faces say, “He went to Jared!” Go that route, because, again, I have yet to see an ad where a girl is disappointed by anything purchased at Jared. I’m not sure what they all sell though, so stick to a ring and not fake dog poop if they have it there, because I haven’t seen a girl happily referring to where she got her fake dog poop by saying “He went to Jared.”

But for the best option, I would have to give you the advice of woman of my dreams – Rachael Ray.

Time after time, she informs me that the way to anyone’s heart is through their stomach. I don’t mean buying a Pick ‘n Save gift card, or going out and buying a bulk tank of pickles for the bonnie lass. No, I mean finding out what this girl’s favorite meal is, and making it entirely from scratch. If the recipe calls for eggs, you buy yourself a chicken and you get that chicken to lay the eggs you use. The more work you put into it the better it will taste and the more appreciative she will be. But don’t forget the Burt Bacharach music in the background!

This only sets the mood for what should be your ultimate gift. You need to find something she said in a conversation, some tiny detail. For instance, my first girlfriend, in passing, said she loved the spaghetti eating scene from “Lady and the Tramp.” For the Christmas that followed, I bought her the biggest Lady and the Tramp stuffed animals, I made her spaghetti and then escorted her – blindfolded – to a room in which I had set up the spaghetti scene from the movie. Then I gave her the stuffed animals, and we enjoyed our meal. As a result, I was voted most romantic boyfriend that year in my high school.

So, my friend, it is clear, material things are great for a one-time shock, but something from the minor details and something from the heart will really get to her. She may be driving a car that her hubby from four years ago gave her, but she’ll be thinking of the amazingly heartfelt and original thing you did for her that one Christmas. I just hope, and pray, that she actually celebrates Christmas.