Janie Boschma

Dear Ask Anything,

– Jeff & Jim’s Window Watcher

Dear Watcher,

I personally hate this question, and one could make the argument that I hate you for asking it. This is because I could not simply solve it by eating Oreos until the answer comes to me in a vision like with all my other responses, but rather by leaving my comfortable apartment and heading down to the Jeff and Jim’s on Water Street. I’m a busy man, Watcher – I have video games and a barely existent social life to attend to. I can’t be going to any old restaurant at a reader’s whim. Come on!

Being the soldier I am, though, I drove myself down to Jeff and Jim’s at the ungodly hour of 11 in the morning to discover the answer you seek. Disguised as a college student looking for something to eat, I infiltrated the restaurant and touched base with an employee. After unassumingly ordering two mushroom and onion manjare rolls, I asked my contact what “manjare” meant. He said he wasn’t sure, and when he pressed his co-workers for answers, they said they didn’t know either. He referenced me to Wikipedia, which led me to a roughly 5,000-word entry on Sonic the Hedgehog but no definition to the word “manjare.” A side note – manjare rolls are yummy.

During my Internet search, however, I found a few Italian-language forums where the word “manjare” was written only to be corrected by other members as “mangiare.” This word means “to eat” in English, so perhaps “manjare” is the English form of “mangiare.” The logical conclusion to this is that the English translation for manjare rolls would be “to eat” rolls, which I assume are named as such because they are made to eat and not for some other activity, such as throwing, lighting ablaze or fiddling.

This is all just a theory of mine since I couldn’t find a straight answer, so don’t try to impress any Italian professors by telling them my findings. If you really want to impress them, break a fluorescent light bulb over your head during the middle of one of their classes. This is the surefire way to gain another human being’s respect, trust me.

Dear Ask Anything,

– Stressed Out

Dear Stressed Out,

Let me begin by saying if anyone out there really does feel as if they are about to explode, please head immediately to the nearest hospital. Having gas is no laughing matter and is something only a trained physician should try to treat. Plus, if you actually do explode, the hospital staff is more capable of cleaning up the mess than your roommate or patrons at a restaurant.

Anyway, a good way to blow off steam after powering through mid-terms with a C- average is to find some free time and read a good book. I am currently reading a Chuck Palahniuk book myself, although I must be clear that I am not doing so to try to appear cool – I am reading it merely because I think Palahniuk’s books are cool. I am not so desperate as to name-drop Palahniuk, author of such books as “Fight Club,” “Choke” and “Rant,” in an attempt to appear cool. Let me stress again how cool reading Palahniuk’s books is, but not cool in a way that would make me look like I’m just trying to be cool by reading one of his cool books.

Listening to your favorite music is also a good way to de-stress. My favorite band is New Found Glory … actually I’m joking, in reality I despise them. My real favorite band is Queens of the Stone Age, who are head and shoulders above the rest of the world in quality.

Sorry, I’m lying again. Queens of the Stone Age is a very good band and has a ridiculous number of plays on my iTunes, but they are not my favorite musical group. The real best band ever is Faith No More, and I listen to them to cool down after a stressful day.

I’m not kidding this time. I swear.

If those two suggestions don’t relieve your pent-up aggression, just simply give in and un-pent it. Find something that you wouldn’t mind having broken and simply break it, such as a pencil, a student directory or a your femur bone. As Walt Whitman said, “Whatever satisfies the soul is truth.” And I know that breaking things satisfies my soul, so I guess that’s the answer to your question.