Janie Boschma

Dear Ask Anything,

-The Charmin Bear

Dear Charmin Bear,

First off, I’d like to congratulate you, the Charmin Bear, on the wonderful commercials for your toilet paper. Never before has the practice of wiping your butt seemed like such an enjoyable experience. Your images of smiling bears sharing rolls of toilet paper like humans might share a bag of chips has lightened my attitude toward bathroom cleanliness. Thanks to your advertising campaign, I now look forward to what was once a foul and atrocious task, with vim and vigor.

Anyway, to answer your question, the origin of toilet-papering (TP-ing for you Internet types out there) houses can be traced back to the very origins of paper itself. Back in the good old days of sixth century feudal China, toilet paper was invented; adding this with the fact that jerks have existed since the dawn of humanity, it was only a matter of time before the two would do battle. Many a villager who hoarded resources or spoke ill of the ruling dynasty found his mud hut covered in primitive toilet paper. Rumor has it the Chinese launched an offensive on Mongolia in the 13th century that saw the vicious TP-ing of Genghis Khan’s stronghold. This was followed by the even more vicious slaughtering of the Chinese perpetrators, which was in part due to their decision to abandon real weapons in order to carry enough toilet paper to cover Khan’s extensive palace.

So, much like everything the United States has, we owe TP-ing to the Chinese. Now, whenever we see a house covered in toilet paper, we can safely think to ourselves, “Wow, we sure have some dumb, unimaginative kids living in this neighborhood. Thank you, feudal China.”

Dear Ask Anything,

-Cramming for the religious studies exam

Dear Cramming,

Assuming you are a follower of the Catholic religion, a mortal sin is a type of sin involving a grave matter (which includes, but is not limited to, murders, seditions, heresies and witchcraft) which you commit willingly, even with the knowledge of its effects and its punishments. This means that if you commit a mortal sin, you are very, very naughty and should not expect too much mercy from the pope or the Mother Mary. If you don’t get whatever mortal sin you committed confessed and absolved, you’ll join the likes of Hitler and Gandhi down in Hell. This is different from the seven deadly sins as identified by Kevin Spacey in the movie “Seven,” because deadly sins can happen by accident, seeing as they are the natural failings of humans.

Also, the term “deadly sin” is interchangeable with “cardinal sin,” so those really have no difference. This leads me to believe you meant to type “Cardinal Syn,” who is featured as a villain on the GWAR album “RagNaRok.” Cardinal Syn is different from a mortal or deadly sin because he is a 16-foot tall killer robot sent to earth by the Warrior Pope, the alien leader of an insane and ruthless sect of Catholicism. Cardinal Syn’s mission on earth is to enslave humanity and destroy GWAR, as detailed in the song “Surf of Syn.” In the end, though, Oderus Urungus and the rest of GWAR are able to defeat Cardinal Syn, allowing them to continue their own quest to destroy all of humanity. And no, I did not make any of that up.

In sum, mortal sins are the really awful ones you shouldn’t commit, deadly/cardinal sins are the ones you seem inclined to because humans naturally suck, and Cardinal Syn is a murderous robot from space. Hopefully this will not be a source of confusion for you in the future.