Janie Boschma

Dear Ask Anything,

– Bozo, the clown

Dear Bozo,

As often is the case, the media is to blame. This proud craft, dating back centuries to the time of the Pharaohs, has been mangled by the press and Hollywood to appear horrifying, or at the very least annoying. A common sight in many European countries up until the 19th century, clowns or “idiots” existed not only as a source of bemusement for the common townsfolk, but also as potential outlets of violence for the royalty of the time. In fact, clowns were among the first who acted as watchdogs of their governments, making the media’s aggressive smear campaign against them even more treacherous. Clowns were perceived as fools, so they could criticize what was happening in their country freely, since their words would be dismissed as those of idiots. They were among the first dissenting voices in human society, laying the groundwork for our current day practical jokers such as Jon Stewart, Dennis Miller and Dan Rather.

But these facts are buried in the sands of time, having been trapped beneath mounds of anti-clown propaganda. A notable example of the media’s character assassination of clowns is seen in Stephen King’s “It.” It (no pun intended) would be hard for anyone who read the book or saw the miniseries to come away thinking clowns are happy or fun people who just want to play down in the sewers. The main problem with “It” is it (again, no pun intended) does not clearly distinguish the fact that the “It” referred to in the title is a demon, not a clown. I have yet to see a clown who has really sharp teeth and sounds like Tim Curry, and I’ve met a lot of clowns.

Another perhaps more well-known example of this would be the 1988 film “Killer Klowns from Outer Space.” One of the most popular and highly regarded films of all time, “Killer Klowns” depicts, perhaps obviously to some, murderous clown-like creatures from outer space terrorizing people on earth. Some of the film’s depictions of clowns were out of this world (pun intended) – clowns were shown trapping people in giant balloons as a sort of refrigeration process that preserved their human captives until the killer “clowns” craved the delicious taste of human blood, which they obtained by sucking through intricate, winding straws! Honestly, has anyone ever seen a clown suck out another person’s blood while not high or while watching “Killer Klowns from Outer Space”? In essence, Bozo, I ask you a question as a way of answering your own – would you let a person whose profession has been portrayed in dozens of different media as predatory to children, occult-related and cannibalistic, into your backyard to play with your kids while you grill up supper? If you answered “no,” you would be simply reacting reasonably to the way the media has portrayed clowns for decades; if you answered “yes,” you are probably John Wayne Gacy, which would be kind of weird since I didn’t think The Spectator delivered to Hell.

Dear Ask Anything,

– The Little Trolley from the Land of Make-Believe.

Dear Little Trolley,

Much like everything that is good and wonderful in this world, the rumor of Mr. Rogers’ military record is a blatant lie. I am able to say this as confidently as possible because if I am wrong, that would mean every Mr. Rogers biographer in the world would be wrong as well. As sweet as it would have been to see Mr. Rogers in the jungles of Vietnam quietly singing “It’s a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood… For Sniping People” to himself while staring down his next kill, this is merely a legend avid fans of Mr. Rogers have created to make him seem like less of a nancy boy.

In the early 1990s, e-mails were being forwarded around the internet claiming that Mr. Rogers had told Johnny Carson he had served time in the military. Since most people in the world are agonizingly dumb, many immediately believed this was true without looking at the source, which was most likely a Web site for erectile dysfunction medicine. Like a virus, this rumor spread from one moron to the next with each forwarded e-mail until enough people believed it to make it up for debate as reality. Alas, the fact that many stupid people knew about it did not make it true – reality does not change despite the wills of the ignorant, a fact which may be disappointing to many owners of the self-help book “The Secret.”

The Mr. Rogers-in-the-Navy-SEALS rumor was most likely started by overzealous Mr. Rogers fans as a joke, much like in the vein of those drat Chuck Norris jokes. Yes, Chuck Norris could kick my butt, but could he cure cancer with his tears? I’d assume not, since he’d be one humongous jerk if he could and refused to cry. The belief that Mr. Rogers had 150 kills as a sniper in Vietnam was probably meant to be as serious as the notion that Chuck Norris jokes are still funny.