Dear Ask Anything,
My friend was futzing around on eBay and made a joke bid on a car. Well no one beat his bid, so he won this car. He doesn’t really want it. Is there any way he can get out of it?
– Interested in eBay
Dear Interested in eBay,
Before I answer your question, I’m going to let you know that I severely question your choice in friends. Who finds making joke bids funny? I can see your friend now – “Hey, there’s a life-sized statue of Alec Baldwin made out of cheese on eBay! I’ll bid $1.73 on it and hilarity will ensue.” First of all, $1.73 on any Alec Baldwin merchandise is a rip-off. I don’t care if the statue’s encrusted with diamonds – you still have to live with the fact that it bears a resemblance to Alec Baldwin.
On top of that, the seller isn’t going to be happy that some jerk named “banana-hammock_523487” is dodging the bill. You have no idea who these eBay sellers are. For example, I bought a laptop worth $2,000 for only $1,100. I’m not going to tell how I got that good of a deal though, because I bought it from some guy named Yaroslav living in the Bronx. Of course ‘ol Yaroslav can give me a good deal on a new laptop because I’m guessing he stole it. Long story short, your “cheese statue” seller probably has ways of getting his money with methods you don’t even want to know about. All I’m going to say is that it probably involves a bowl of clam chowder and a fire extinguisher.
I think I’ve already said too much.
Now, back to your friend. While eBay can’t force you to pay for the item, you’ll receive negative feedback from the seller and will most likely get banned from eBay. Just be thankful it’s a simple ban and not the aforementioned “clam chowder and fire extinguisher” persuasion technique.
But if you’re like me and can’t live without eBay, there’s a couple of ways you can get out of paying for the car. The first would be to claim that your identity was stolen. In other words, go on a crazy bidding spree to make it look like some irresponsible hacker is using your information to bid on all kinds of items. My best bet would be to try and buy up all the Alec Baldwin-related swag you can find – that’s a sure sign of insanity.
The other suggestion I have is a little more, well.illegal. But again, if you can’t live without eBay, go for it. Like most good ideas, it’s a simple one. Ponder this question – can a seller put up an auction on an item that doesn’t exist? I’d go to talk to my friend Yaroslav and get him to either flat-out hotwire the car and swipe it or just trash the vehicle with a good 7-iron. I find 7-irons have the perfect angle on the blade to both smash windows and do some serious damage to the frame.
When the seller’s car comes up missing or destroyed, it’s his fault now, not yours. He’s the irresponsible one who put up an auction on a car that doesn’t exist. What was he thinking, anyway? Meanwhile, you just happened to go through the right channels in order to keep your account so you can continue to bid on cheap bootleg anime and tennis rackets.
That’s all for now, Interested in eBay. I have to go see if someone’s bid on my auction – I’m still trying to sell “The Last Kiss.”
Ask Anything is a weekly question and advice column. Maja Petersen and Rob Peterson are alternating columnists.
