Dear Ask Anything,
I’m going to my sister’s wedding in a few months and I really can’t stand the guy. Hypothetically, if I stood up and objected at the “Speak now or forever hold your peace” would it stop the nuptials? Just wondering.
– Boggled Bridesmaid
Dear Bridesmaid,
First of all, if there are serious issues with this fianc of your sister’s, I would speak to her before the nuptials. But if you are busy or somehow can’t find the time, the wedding day should work too.
If you want a 100 percent guarantee this wedding will be stopped, you must have proof the marriage is illegal. This guy isn’t your cousin, right?
If you don’t have documents to prove he is your kin, or underage, or some sort of terrorist, then your objection will most likely result in a family brawl.
If you actually want this wedding stopped, you must prepare an excellent speech. This speech must not only convince the bride and groom they are wrong for each other, but must also spark concern among the other guests.
The outcome of this wedding and your reputation depend on this speech. You will either be looked at as a hero who saved the day, or the crazy no-good sister. If no one else supports you, you will be kicked out of the wedding or demoted to the kids’ table. You will forever be frowned upon as a member of the family and of society.
So, if you stand up and object during the “speak now or forever hold your peace” bit, you better have something worthwhile to say. Otherwise, you’ll look like an idiot. Work on your public speaking and persuasive strategy now, and you might just manage to put a halt on the wedding.
Dear Ask Anything,
My new roommate is from Austin, Minn. When she moved in she had an entire case of SPAM and eats it daily. When I asked her about it, she informed me the SPAM Museum is in her hometown. What exactly is SPAM, and what’s it made out of?
– Really Grossed-Out Roomie
Dear R.G.O.R.,
Not only is your roommate’s hometown home of the SPAM Museum, it is also known as Spamtown, USA.
SPAM is a tasty treat that can act as a staple for any meal. For some, SPAM falls into its own food group. SPAM is not just a food, but a lifesaver. During World War II, many soldiers stayed alive only because they had SPAM to eat down in their trenches. Well, dodging stray bullets probably also had something to do with it.
According to the official SPAM Web site, SPAM is a mixture of ham, pork, sugar, salt, water, potato starch and “a mere hint of sodium nitrate to help SPAM keep its color.” Sodium nitrate keeps SPAM a lovely pink color, whereas otherwise it would turn gray.
In the United States, 90 million cans of SPAM are sold each year. Since 1937, nearly seven billion cans have been sold, according to the SPAM Web site.
Perhaps the most exciting fact about SPAM is that it can last forever! Like most canned foods, as long as you don’t let any air get into the vacuum-sealed can, SPAM will stay fresh.
I don’t know how your roommate prepares her SPAM, but there are thousands of recipes on the Internet that she should check out. Some examples: SPAM Pizza Pockets, SPAM Stroganoff, SPAM Puffs, Hawaiian SPAMBURGER, SPAMDILLAS Quesadillas, and SPAM in a blanket.
So before you diss your roommate for her SPAM affinity, I would taste it yourself. My personal recommendation is the SPAMBALAYA Jambalaya.
Ask Anything is a weekly question and advice column. Maja Petersen and Rob Peterson are alternating columnists.
