Dear Ask Anything,

– Starstruck

Dearest Starstruck,

Nothing against our great city or anything, but Eau Claire probably isn’t the best place to host awards or film movies. Take this past week, for example. The average temperature has been well below zero, and we can hardly walk to class without complaining. Imagine how badly those Hollywood actors and actresses would be griping. The amount of whining would be loud enough to reach my hometown of Spooner which is 90 miles away, and trust me, regular people don’t even want to go to Spooner, let alone celebrities.

Here’s another reason why the cold doesn’t help the movie scene here. Romances would no longer have “love” scenes. I’m guessing it would take half an hour to remove a jacket, a hoodie, gloves, a hat, four t-shirts, three pairs of pants, two pairs of socks and long underwear from my co-star before we’re even talking about PG-13 material. If I were an actor, I’d be like, “Seriously, I know I’m working with Reese Witherspoon here, but I just can’t find any motivation after taking off enough clothes to stock a Goodwill for the next month.” As a side note, I’d like to mention that the last movie filmed in Wisconsin was “The Last Kiss,” and we all know how that turned out.

But enough about Eau Claire, I’ll give you two words as to why the film industry chooses Vancouver as one of its biggest destinations – exchange rate. Confess. We’ve all referred to Canadian currency as “Monopoly money.” Truth is, Canadian actors barely get paid minimum wage. Did you know that Keanu Reeves actually showed emotion in his movies before he came to the United States? It’s true. Reeves was a very sensitive, humble man while making roughly $500 (American currency) on each film in Canada, but when he signed his contract before filming “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure,” he was so shocked by the number of zeroes in his deal that he immediately lost all facial expression. All he could say was “whoa.” Does that line sound familiar to anyone?

Long story short, it costs roughly one tenth of what it costs in the United States to film movies in Canada. If New Line Cinema would have figured that out, they wouldn’t have had to pay Chris Tucker $20 million for “Rush Hour 3” and we’d be hearing, “Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?” four years ago when the series was popular as opposed to later this year. Meanwhile, co-star Jackie Chan would have been kept busy instead of starring in such duds as “The Tuxedo,” “The Medallion,” and “Around the World in 80 Days.” Do you hear the words coming out my mouth, Jackie Chan? I’m calling you an embarrassment for starring in those movies, and meanwhile, Tony Jaa is now leaps and bounds ahead of you.

So there you go, Starstruck. Now you know why Hollywood chooses Vancouver over Eau Claire. So if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to try to pawn my copy of “The Last Kiss” on some hapless idiot. Zach Braff, you disappoint me. Oh, and Reese, I know you read my column. Call me!

Ask Anything is a weekly question and advice
column. Maja Petersen and Rob Peterson are alternating columnists.