Adrian Northrup

It’s almost hard to believe that this will be our final moment together before the end of the semester, pickles. I remember that first column like it was yesterday. Maybe I don’t. To be honest there are a few moments this semester I’ve tried to completely block from my memory. I know that’s hard to imagine, me being the human morgue of pointless information that I am. But let’s not dwell on that which is unimportant. We’ve got some ground to cover, and considering this is our last dance, we should begin.

First, I’d like to start by tying up a few loose ends. So, I never got around to doing half the interviews I thought I would. This is not my fault, however! Some of those superstars are pretty hard to get a hold of. The Rolling Stones are apparently busy on some tour sponsored by Radio Shack. Also, as it turns out, you need a translator to discuss anything other than “Oh yeaaaah!” or “START ME UP!” with Mick Jagger. Those short-sighted bearcats in the office refused to pay for the services of a translator, anyway. It would have been expensive, I’ll give them that. But I personally think speaking with England’s oldest living soldier-of-swagger is more important than the financial survival of almost anything.

I also lament the fact that we never got around to my magnum opus, “How to Live Cheap in Eau Claire.” My hypothesis is that college kids spend way more money than they have to in order to survive. I was hoping to bring in some experts and professional dirt bags to help explain that you can live on $300 a month or less in this city. We were going to tell you how to make booze, how to eat for free (anywhere), amongst other hot topics. I never did get around to checking up on the legal or ethical consequences of some of the subject matter, however. Bummer. Maybe we can do this next semester. For now, just try not to spend any money until February. I couldn’t bear the thought of you needlessly squandering your money because I didn’t fulfill my duties.

It feels good to get all of that off my chest. I tell you, these days it’s not that often we have time for everything we intend to accomplish. These are hectic times. But you know what? We ALWAYS have time for celebrity news. Just ask USA Today.

Pop royalty Madonna will apparently launch her own clothing line in the coming year. The new products will be produced by H&M, the same company that clothed Madonna and her crew on her Confessions World Tour. What does this mean for you and me? Virtually nothing. Unless it’s your childhood dream to walk around dressed like a cheetah hooker. Or am I thinking of somebody else? I’m just wondering if any aspect of her clothing line will convey that awkward period where she dressed like Gandalf and sang about the desert. In all honesty, I have nothing but respect for Madonna. It takes a lot of guts to be one of the faces of anti-globalization and still sponsor a line of expensive, superfluous clothing. Bravo!

Well, they announced the Grammy nominations. Was your favorite artist nominated? If your favorite artist happens to be Mary J. Blige, then you’re in luck, because she was nominated eight times. Congratulations to those nominated for doing stuff, things, and/or whatever. If I could, however, I’d like to suggest Ron Artest’s new rap album “My World.” It’s a travesty that this piece of American glory hasn’t been nominated. Maybe that’s because it only sold like 400 copies. Ouch, Ron! I could sell that many copies of myself chuckling into a tape recorder out of the back of my car if I HAD to. Further proof: let the athletes be athletes, let the rappers rap. Unless you’re Shaq, in which case I would prefer you did neither.

Yeah, that’s all I got. Try not to get all teary-eyed or anything. Let’s just sort of fade away here without all the hullabaloo and the what-have-you. Have a good finals week, do something over break you’ll regret forever and I’ll see you next time. Print is dead!