Dear Ask Something,
I was in my car the other day listening to the radio, and I heard two songs practically back-to-back. One was by Mike Jones and he sings about some phone number like 281-330-8004. The other was Tommy Tutone’s “867-5309 Jenny.” Where do these numbers lead?
– Prank Caller

The obvious answer to your question is to just try the numbers, which I did.

The lyrics to the Mike Jones song go, “If you wanna get me for a show, or get me to feature on a flow, hit 281-330-8004.” I hate to disappoint, but the number goes nowhere.

I gotta say I wish it went somewhere, because if I could get a whole bunch of white kids from Wisconsin to start drunk dialing the rapper from the Houston ghettos, I’d consider my career in journalism a success, quit forever and return to my true love of laying around and waiting for the weekend.

My guess is Jones realized it might sound a little repetitive and annoying if he wrote too many of his lyrics simply by saying his own name over and over, so he decided to rhyme “show” and “flow” with “fo.” The mark of a true lyrical genius. No wonder he’s so hot right now.

Investigating Tommy Tutone’s anthem to “Jenny” and her phone number 867-5309, however, produced some pretty interesting results. Numerous results of a Google search documented a number in Philadelphia (area code 215) that allegedly receives around 900 calls a month, prompting the original bearer of the number to put it up on E-bay for $69,999. The price has since dropped to $39,999.

I called the number and a young woman’s voice asked “Do you want to get paid to party?” Since I definitely do, I went to miniminglers.com, the Web site the young woman recommended and arrived at a speed dating and singles party service. Despite their claims, I’m betting business isn’t that lucrative, since the company would rather sell its phone number than continue offering its services.

Either way, both numbers are kind of busts as far as prank calling goes.

Brian,
I heard from a friend of a friend that you can get a fine on campus for chasing squirrels. Just wondering if she’s a crazy nut job or if she’s right.
– Squirrely

Squirrels are trouble in my book. I have a roommate who has had a squirrel try to gnaw its way through the screen of his window and while none of the guys in my house know squirrel-talk, we’re pretty sure the squirrel was swearing and threatening, judging by his tone.

That being said, I was happy to investigate the possibility of students returning a little bit of that harassment. According to University System Administrative Code, “No person may remove, destroy or molest any bird, animal or fish life within the boundaries of … ” blah, blah, blah. Basically, if you mess with a squirrel, you could be fined up to $500.

I discussed the nuances of these regulations with Director of University Police David Sprick, who gladly issued a statement specifying what sort of activity could warrant police action.

“I think if that kind of activity would ever escalate beyond exercise for the mutual benefit of the chaser or the squirrel, or border on molestation, there could be some negative consequences,” he said.

For all you readers who have your mind in the gutter and have already started thinking our police director was talking about sexual encounters with squirrels, I should mention that he defined molestation as “prolonged or repeated attempts to either physically or psychologically torment or cause harm.”

So I guess if you are just happy-go-lucky and want to frolic with our campus companions, even though they’d definitely eat you if they were big enough, then go for it. If you have ill intentions upon capturing said squirrel, it’ll cost you $500 to carry out your dirty deed, whatever it may be, plus any other sort of repercussions related to animal cruelty. So stick to frolicking.

Ask anything is a weekly question and advice column. Brian Reisinger and Mark Schaaf are alternating columnists.