I’m reading Oedipus the King in my drama class. Sophocles’ play won second place in a contest when it was written, what won first?
– Oedipus Complex

No. 1: By all accounts, Oedipus is Sophocles’ finest work, and Sophocles is the world’s greatest-ever playwright, which, in theory, would make Oedipus the greatest play ever written.

No. 2: Sophocles dominated the Great Dionysia festival in Athens every year. I think the modern-day equivalent of this would be something along the lines of the Tony awards, except that people actually cared about it back then and didn’t have to sit through a five-hour TV marathon the likes of which would make the devil weep.

Anyway, Sophocles won the contest at least 20 times and never placed lower than third. So what was the play that beat Oedipus?

The answer is probably unknown, according to foreign languages professor Stephen McRoberts, who teaches a Greek introductory course.

I tried researching it myself at the library and it even stumped the reference desk. They gave me a lot of helpful starting points, but they were all to no avail.

I’d also like to point out how super terrific the reference desk is at the library. They can help you out with pretty much any oddball question one throws at you, especially something as obscure as this one.

If I had a cap I’d tip it to you, Reference Desk, but my head (and hair) is too big. I tried on a hat yesterday and it fit about halfway on. When I looked in the mirror I was reminded of a bobble head.

Hey Anything,
I have a small problem. I have trouble peeing in front of other guys in the bathroom urinals. What is this fear called and how can I overcome it?
– Timid Tinkler

Tinkler, you’re lighting a match to gasoline with this question.

Everyone seems afraid to talk about things like this. Where are we as a society when bathroom humor is non-existent?

One guy who’s not afraid to talk about it? Moi.

The reality of it is, everyone knows the deal with the urinals. You pick the farthest one away from everything. Never go side-by-side. These are basic, understood rules that are generally abided by.

Too often, no matter where you are in life, these rules are violated. If I had any control over law enforcement, these people would be arrested and sentenced to 50 urine tests so they can feel the wrath of what they’ve done.

But I have strayed much too far from the question. I sympathize with you, Tinkler, for I too have overcome what I will call pee’n’public-aphobia.

You know the feeling, I’m sure. Stepping up to the plate with a line 50-deep at halftime at Camp Randall. Hovering over the troughs with nothing separating you from anyone at Wrigley. Or even during those fateful 10 minutes between classes at Hibbard Hall, when the bathroom gets a little more congested.

Here’s what you do. It won’t be easy, but I’m confident you can do it.

You have to go to a place deep inside yourself, a place you may not even know exists.

You must completely block out all of your surroundings until, in your mind, you are standing at the bottom of a waterfall. This is some form of hypnosis, I’m sure.

Just picture it. All of this water pouring down, the sound of it hitting the bottom like waves crashing into a coastline shore. You have to immerse yourself in this new world.

This could also be applied to other water havens, such as showers, faucets or drinking fountains. But whatever causes a trip in your trigger, a mind’s image of dripping water is what I have found to cure this unfortunate, misunderstood disorder.

It’s not you, Tinkler. It’s a combination of nature and men violating etiquette. But it can be overcome and I am living proof of that. And if that fails, just use a stall.

Ask anything is a weekly question and advice column. Brian Reisinger and Mark Schaaf are alternating columnists.