What ever happened to predictability? The milkman, the paperboy or evening TV? And all your familiar friends waiting just around the bend?ÿ Everywhere you look, everywhere … there’s a heart, there’s a face … of somebody who needs you.ÿ When you’re lost out there and you’re all alone, life is waiting to carry you home. Everywhere you look!
– Royal Flush
Dear Royal:
This is a pretty involved, complex question. You might almost call it a full house of a question, though I’m not sure why that wording comes to mind.
From what I can tell, the only way to really answer this question is to take it step by step.
If you can’t find the answer to your question on your own, maybe you should confide in a friend or family member, because everyone knows that above all, family matters. If your friends and family prove worthless, go ahead and ask some perfect strangers. You could also try hanging with Mr. Cooper.
At any rate, you seem like a boy who needs to just go out and meet the world with your wealth of inquiry. But if all else fails, it’s already Thursday, and tomorrow you can thank God it’s Friday.
Hey Anything,
I have an exam in the lamest class later today and I didn’t want to study at all so I’m wondering if I can use Chap Stick to cover the scantron answers I don’t know so it reads them as right?
ÿ- Chapped Lips
Dear Chapped:
I had never heard of the chapstick trick before, so I thought I’d get on the horn and find out where the university processes all those scantron sheets. I had a nice chat with Barb Wirth of the Test Scoring Office, and she basically dispelled any possibility of the trick being viable.
The scantron machines, she said, only read number two pencils. That means ink and number one or number three pencils need not apply. While she couldn’t give a definitive answer as to what would happen if a student applied chapstick to a scantron sheet, she said it would interfere with the machine’s ability to read (marking all answers incorrect) or simply jam the machine.
While the last outcome could have a certain comical value in its own right, I’d advise against it, because Barb seemed like a pretty nice lady who isn’t looking for any trouble.
She also said filling a blank scantron sheet in after you get your test back and saying you got all the answers right doesn’t work, because the machine marks each sheet to signify whether it has been scanned or not.
But don’t abandon all hopes of graduating in four years yet. I guess if you want some other ideas you could watch the movie “Slackers,” which came out a few years ago. Aside from starring Devon Sawa, who hasn’t been in a big-time movie since he and all his female fans hit puberty, the movie is all about cheating your way through college. It also has all sorts of other promising features, like a hair doll, brief nudity, sexual innuendos and freaky stalkers – all hallmarks of solid entertainment.
Can anyone find Ken Brosky?ÿ The guy was a genius beyond his time.ÿ Could you get him to do a guest Ask Anything, restore the great tradition that it used to be?
– Hung Well
Dear Hung:
The only time I ever met Ken Brosky was at a party, kind of randomly and near the end of my night, so I couldn’t recognize his face if my life depended on it.
The last time anybody here at The Spectator knew, he was in grad school here in Eau Claire, and his name is still in the directory. I guess we could arrange a Brosky comeback, but until then, give us Ask Anything virgins a chance, huh?
Ask Anything is a weekly question and advice column. Brian Reisinger and Mark Schaaf are alternating columnists.
