With a deadline and some time to kill, I had nothing to review, which meant I would have to find something on my own. So, in the name of Hunter S. Thompson, the late-genius doctor of journalism, I decided to throw myself and a friend into a situation so we could write our way out of it.

I grabbed my good friend and fellow music fool Anthony Barker, went to aÿused CD store that was going to closeÿin 10 minutes, ran from A to Z to find something to review and then went to the grocery store.

The result:ÿToo Short, “Life is … Too Short;” Three 6 Mafia, “When The Smoke Clears;” Shaq Diesel, “Shaq-Fu: The Return” (all for under $5); 80 oz. of malt liquor and a pizza. We picked our albums, sat around and committed true “Gonzo” journalism.

Ryan, 20 oz. intoÿ”Shaq-Fu: The Return” (1994)

The odds have always been against this poor guy.ÿHe was in the movieÿKazaam, he can’t make a free throw to save his lifeÿand he can barely rap.

SoÿI didn’t really expect much out of this one, but when he said “a-e-i-o-u an ass whoopin” on the first track, I was sold.

True, he raps like he has a head injury, but it’s so charming. The guest appearances are fun; there isÿtheÿone where he keeps calling Keith Murray “Redman,” but my favorite is when Shaq and some guy named Ill Al Skratchÿfight over who’s going to “set it off” first – ÿ”You set it off. No.ÿYOU set it off.ÿNo way man, YOU set it off.”ÿBeyond that, the biggest problem I have with this album is that I paidÿfor it.

Ryan, 40 oz. into Three 6 Mafia,ÿ”When the Smoke Clears” (2000)

The only time I’ve ever heard Three 6 Mafia was in some tool’s Acura with “bumps,” who listens toÿThree 6 Mafiaÿfor the “bass.”

So I was surprised to find out there’s actually words in its songs, not just a Rolandÿ808 drum machine.

I also heard it raps about Satan.ÿIts name is definitely the number of the beast, but there’s no mention ofÿSatan on this album, which led me to declare that it needs more Satan.ÿAnthony responded with “Wasn’t Jodeci satanic?”

I don’t think they were, but they had sweet hair.ÿAs far as content, there’s a song about “syrup,” the dirty south drink with Robitussin in it, and another song that’s probably about Crunchy Blackÿtrying to finish hisÿgrocery shopping, calledÿ”Where DaÿCheese at?”

I had fun listening to this albumÿbecause it made my 40 go down easier, even if there wasn’t cough medicine in it.

Anthony, 40 oz. into “Life is … Too $hort” (1989)

Conscious rap makesÿBaby Jesus cry.ÿI’m all for putting mighty Mos Def on the quarter, but we all lead very complicated lives. Our leisure time shouldn’t be composed entirely ofÿpolitical lost causes and canned food drives.

Too $hort realizes this,ÿandÿthe voluntary simplicity within makes a pretty compelling argument for driving an Impala. And why isn’t Ma$e paying royalties on that dollar sign thing, anyway?

Bare bones funk loops, lazy flow and a dedication to use the word “mack” as often as possible. It’sÿa pretty cleverÿenterprise to take theÿcontent ignorant, rich, white people envision rap containing, and then spin it around to come off as the best Double Dutch Jump Rope songs ever composed by Dolemite.

Sure, some people will be appalled by the content. I’m all for it. Too $hort is a litmus test that informs you which friends of yours wouldn’t laugh at dead baby jokes (squares).

And as an added bonus, you get to hear the rubbery, smoked- out versions of the samples KRS-One rigidly used to tell you about the real world. Wow, was he clueless.

All that time, he could have been telling off-color jokes and playing dominoes. I think it’s pretty obvious who I’d rather share a cab with.

So there it is, the three hour, 80 oz. rap review from the used CD store.

These CDs are important, even if they passed you by.ÿJust know that these strange albums can still be fun to come across in a used

CD store and, if you do,ÿenjoy them with some good friends.

Warnberg is of age, a senior advertising major and a
columnist for The Spectator. Anthony Barker is also of age and contributed to this column. The Spectator does not condone underage drinking and encourages everyone to use a designated writer.