I’d like to thank Ken for his warm welcome, and say that I am thrilled to be working with the man who single-handedly got Chancellor Mash to consider bringing back the ‘stache. But I would like to add that this will not keep me from upholding the fine Ask Anything tradition of verbally attacking the other columnist.
In fact, I am so committed to the lofty ideals of the column that should I be unable to uncover anything truly embarrassing about Ken (unlikely), I will spread semi-vicious and unfounded rumors about him.
For example, one week I might casually mention his collection of dog-eared and highlighted Harlequin romance novels, and another week, I might remark upon his habit of buying live Maine lobsters and dressing them in frilly underthings. That’s how committed I am to Ask Anything’s integrity.
Hey –
What happened to the Tastemaker? He was there last semester and now it’s some fire something?
– Wondering in Wisconsin
Truth be told, Wondering, the Tastemaker was getting just too famous. Rulers of distant lands were sending him fantastic gifts of the likes most have never seen, hoping to get his thoughts on the last White Stripes album; beautiful women were throwing themselves at him in futile attempts to find out what was in the bowl he was forever eating out of; and aliens from far-away galaxies were jamming satellites and baby monitors around the world trying to ask him what he thought of Janet’s nipple exposure. It was all very overwhelming for the poor lad, and so he has changed his identity in the vain and rather stupid hope that it will fool them all.
What’s up, Ask Anything –
Is it wrong for a 29-year-old man to adore Justin Timberlake and own JT paraphernalia?
– Just Wondering
In a word, yes. Of course, I say that only because I think Justin Timberlake is a preening little weenie. While the bad taste is excusable, the collection of Timberlake paraphernalia (what KIND of paraphernalia? Pictures? Signed posters? Discarded socks?) is not, and I suggest you have this man carted off to a local mental institution.
Hey question peeps –
I feel like just because we’re getting closer to Valentine’s Day, couples have been feeling the need to show their affection for each other, which I think is repulsive. Is there any way to stop this gagging PDA?
– I Hate Everyone
I agree, Hate. One of my pet peeves is people who trill things like, “Oh, no, poopy-bear, I love YOU the most!” and are so wrapped up in each other’s eyes that they smack into walls mid-coo.
There are two ways to stop it. The first is to pretend a deep and lasting affection for an inappropriate object, such as a vending machine, whenever you come across lovely-dovey couples. Loudly warble your love to it if the couple gets too saccharine.
The second is to get ahold of a nun’s wimple and a ruler. Put on the wimple and, looking stern, brandish the ruler at the couple and bark, “Six inches of daylight!” at them. Best of luck!
