David Taintor

Dear Ask Anything,
A girl I like just returned from studying abroad and I don’t know how to approach her. Last time we spoke, we had a steamy conversation outside the Towers’ mailboxes. She would occasionally reach out to me via Facebook while she was abroad, but by the looks of her Facebook wall, I’m not the only one she has gotten the attention of here at Eau Claire.

Sincerely,
The Real Deal

Dear Deal,
There are all kinds of ways to stand out from the crowd, but most are outrageous and socially unacceptable, regardless of the circumstances, especially in such early stages.

So go the subtle route of a genuinely interested friend. Send her a private message saying you want to catch up and hear about her trip instead of posting in a 14-year-old’s disregard for grammar MySpace-speak: “Howz ____ (insert country here)? Bet it was gr8. Letz prty sooooon. You missed some kewl stuf! Lolz! Text me and we can chillax sumtime. TTYL!” You know, I hope you do, you should avoid that at any cost. Just be interested and don’t scare her off with a lot of -isms of Michael Scott or Ted Mosby.

If she went to Australia, ask her about goon and what cheers she learned. I’d avoid the question, “How many guys did you hook up with?” Either she’ll bring it up herself somehow or she’s soaked with shame.

You’re trying to score here, not red light the situation. A simple strategy for V-Day is to just throw a party on Saturday; you could even do a red light-green light party to make it holiday appropriate.

Invite her, saying it’s a way to avoid the awkwardness of not having a date. Then you could easily leech from there. But let her make the moves, don’t ruin it by head-butting her after two drinks.

Think with the head that has ears and a nose and you’ll be fine.

Dear Ask Anything,
I recently found out that one of my good guy friends has a crush on me. He’s nice and smart and I might like him too but he just found out that I’ve made out with his roommates – six of them. He wasn’t too happy and now him and his roommates don’t answer any of my phone calls or text messages. I’ve not only lost a good friend and potential boyfriend, but also the chance to make out with his seventh roommate. Any advice?

Sincerely,
1033 Graham Lover

Dear Lover,
Normally with overdramatic, emotionally cobwebbed situations like this, I’d give a heart-warming pep talk about how the world owes you itself and everything it has to offer and how you’re the “diamond in the rough” that the Cave of Wonders was talking about. But this is no ordinary situation that calls for that. No, this situation calls for brute honesty on my part.

My advice for you is to stop.

Yes, quit. Quit for your sake so you don’t ruin your already battered, too-much-tongue, self-abused reputation. And quit for his sake so he doesn’t have a roommate-thieving harlot like you stalking around. I have to admit to something more than a subtle snicker in reading your e-mail – and that’s just me!

Just imagine how a house full of guys is reacting to the subject. There were jokes flying around about me after snogging just two of my neighbors.

After all six of his roommates, I guarantee a running joke, nickname, or even a jackpot for whomever wins the bet on how long it takes you to claim every name in the house – I assure you there is a bet going.

So, my dear Graham Lover, I’m sorry for saying all of this, but he’s a lost cause for this V-Day. Admit defeat and move on. It’ll be better for the both of you.

And hey, you can always corner him on the dance floor at Shenan’s and buy him a drink – or four.