Horoscopes

Check your day rating: 10 is an easy day, 0 is a challenging one.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Today is a 9. The sun is shining on you. Put on your favorite outfit and show off what your mama gave you. Head down to your favorite pub; some cutie will buy you a drink. Stay away from the man in the yellow hat. His monkey, George, is up to no good.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Today is a 2. Remember that quiz you took last week? You failed. Don’t try to do your homework during class, your professor will call you out and kick you out of class. Avoid happy people, they will make your day worse.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Today is a 5, again. While your days are mediocre, it could be worse. Or better. Or worse. You are stuck in the middle, like the cream between two Oreo wafers, a burger between two buns. Try to remain neutral, like Switzerland.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Today is a 1. Go home. No really, GO HOME.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Today is a 6. Congrats for surviving the one yesterday, obviously the lightning bolts missed you. Today is looking up. You can go outside, but don’t cross any bridges. No, seriously don’t.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Today is a 2. Check your teeth – there is something in them. Check your zipper – your fly is down. Do you have a shirt on? Check. Maybe you should go home. Don’t lay in your bed, something (or someone) peed on it. Wash your sheets.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Today is a 5. It’s a neutral day. Also a good day to wear taupe or tan. Perhaps khaki. You’ll blend right in with your mood. And the crowd, which is where you want to be.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Today is a 7. If life were a final exam, you’d pass. Not with an A, but not with an F. Really, is there more than you could ask for? Go home and take a nap. You deserve it, champ.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Today is a 4. Work will be a nightmare, call in sick. Trust me, it’s better that you’re not there. Act like you have the plague. If they don’t believe you, make your roommate pretend to be your doctor. Your boss will believe him or her. For sure.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Today is a 3. Avoid your mother more than you normally do, she’s angry about something. Maybe it’s the accidental drunk dial. Maybe it’s that you thought she was your booty call on the phone. Think about it.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Today is a 7. Remember that really annoying Virgo from your psychology 100 class? He or she is having a terrible day. Take some time to gloat and or rub it in a little. Doesn’t that make you feel special?

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Today is a 2. It is a bad day. Life is not treating you fair. Avoid contact with people, only talk to squirrels. Find the albino squirrel in Owen Park. He will have the answers to the meaning of life.

Horoscopes are compiled and written by the Showcase/Scene Editors of The Spectator. The editors have no psychic powers, just guesses.