Editor’s Note: This is a satirical article in celebration of Halloween and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.
If you’ve been on the UW-Oh Scare campus for long, there’s a good chance you’ve wandered through Hibbard Humanities Hall. Students and faculty alike have reported that this building, with its twisting hallways and unique architecture, is easy to get turned around in.
Recent accounts, however, have suggested that the mysteries of Hibbard stretch beyond the realm of the living.
Fourth-year necrosophy student Uzumaki Plutarch told Spooktator staff that after years of studying on the sixth floor of Hibbard, she is now afraid to enter the building due to a traumatic experience she had last week.
Plutarch said she entered Hibbard on the evening of Friday, Oct. 13 to work on her hauntology paper in the necrosophy library. She arrived at 10:17 p.m., and made her way to the vending machines on the first floor to get a snack.
After purchasing a bag of sour cream and onion maggot chips, Plutarch said she began walking down the hallway toward the stairwell on the east side of Hibbard. As she made her way past the office doors, she noticed the numbers getting higher and higher.
“I was like, I don’t remember it taking this long to get to the stairs,” Plutarch said. “It felt like I just kept going in circles.”
After several minutes of walking through the winding hallway, Plutarch said she noticed that the room numbers had reached the 200s.
“It was at that moment that I knew something was wrong,” Plutarch said. “I turned around to go back — take the elevator or something. But when I tried to walk the other direction, I just couldn’t. It was like some invisible force was blocking my way. So I just kept going forward.”
According to Plutarch, the room numbers just kept getting higher, even though it felt like she hadn’t gone up any levels. Finally, she said, it appeared that she was somehow on the sixth floor.
“It was so weird. The rooms were in the 600s, but the necrosophy floor did not look normal,” Plutarch said. “The necrosophy library was there, but it was all dark and almost misty. When I tried going in, I could barely breathe.”
Plutarch said she was terrified by this, and as a last resort, she continued down the hallway in an attempt to get to the roof.
“As I went, the numbers just kept growing — past any logical number,” Plutarch said. “Before I knew it, I was on the 50th floor. Then the 100th. And I could never turn backward, I could only continue on. After what felt like hours, I just completely gave up hope.”
On what appeared to be the 150th floor, Plutarch said she decided to try and break a window to call for help. Using her necrosophy book, she battered the double-paned glass until it cracked.
“I stuck my head out and almost had a heart attack,” Plutarch said. “I was on the first floor again. The ground was maybe two feet down.”
Surveillance footage from Campus Police showed Plutarch crawling out of a first-floor window around 2:37 a.m. Plutarch said she obtained minor injuries from the broken glass, but was otherwise physically unharmed.
While Plutarch’s story is the first of its kind that has been told on campus, some have speculated that this paradox is nothing new.
Several students at UW-Oh Scare have reportedly gone missing inside of Hibbard Hall over the years, leading many to believe they were victims to the same situation as Plutarch.
During a public meeting this week, Interim Chancellor Myspell Carnivore said staff is working with the Oh Scare Police Dept. and the Ghostbusters to investigate this situation.
“We will stop at nothing until these students are found, and until we find an answer to what happened in Hibbard on Friday the 13th,” Carnivore said.
Wojahn can be found under various bridges around town. She may ask you to solve a riddle before crossing … or at [email protected].
