Editor’s Note: This is a satirical article in celebration of Halloween and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.

It was a dark and stormy night when the Haunted House of Representatives assembled in the amphitheater in front of Schneider Hall. The meeting began promptly at 12 a.m. on Monday, Oct. 27.

Count Cardille, Speaker of the Haunted House, called the meeting to order with dire words of warning.

“What’s up, Boogolds?” Count Cardille said. “Halloween is upon us in a third of a fortnight. We must prepare ourselves for both the festivities and the frights.”

Director of Interghoulenmental Affairs Ally Frightzler gave a presentation on the problematic layout of Towers East and West.

Frightzler said that with all the angels housed in Towers East and the demons in Towers West, major problems are occurring.

“Freshman barely know their rights from their lefts, let alone the layout of campus,” Frightzler said. “We received a report this weekend that a first-year angel accidentally walked into Towers West and, well, it wasn’t pretty.”

Frightzler proposed that, to both more easily identify the different sides of Towers, as well as to make the populations more comfortable, the lighting should be adjusted.

“Towers East will be fully lit with ethereal lightbulbs. These have a higher upfront cost, but their energy usage resembles LEDs,” Frightzler said. “Towers West will be lit exclusively by the red setting on LED strip lights.”

Director of the Student Pain & Agony Commission Rachel Schpooky introduced Resolution 13-R-6 “In Support of Garlic Labeling in Hilltop and Marketplace.”

Schpooky said that, especially with Halloween coming up soon, it’s important to raise awareness about the amount of garlic used in meals, which increases greatly during the spooky season. 

Vampires, like anyone with intolerances, deserve to be aware of what they are ingesting, Schpooky said.

“Vampires comprise 27% of our student body, and garlic is deadly to them,” Schpooky said. “It is imperative that foods are labeled appropriately.”

Mummifications Intern Audrey Cryptler spoke in support of this resolution, though her reasons differed from Schpooky’s.

“Honestly, I don’t like garlic. There’s a really cute freshman vampire on my floor, and I don’t want to scare him off because of overseasoned Hilltop spaghetti,” Cryptler said. “I know he’s a year below me in school, but he’s like 100 years older, so it’s still socially acceptable.”

Finance Intern John Dunblood spoke out against the resolution.

“It is not cool to date within the Haunted House of Representatives,” Dunblood said. “The results are terrifying.”

Count Cardille stepped in to get the conversation back on track.

Resolution 13-R-6 passed with a vote of 29-1-2.

Isabelle Shadow, director of the most frightening commission of them all, the Finance Commission, introduced Bill 13-B-4 “Approval of Fang Fund Allocations.”

“After much deliberation, the Finance Commission has set all Fang Fund Allocations,” Shadow said. “These fees fund all student organizations on campus.”

There was much more pushback against allocations than in previous years, according to Shadow.

“The Vampires of the University of Witchsconsin-Oh Scare Organization submitted an appeal about their allocation,” Shadow said. 

The Finance Commission denied the appeal, according to Shadow, as the commission did not feel that the funds were going to good use. Last fiscal year, almost all funds were used to host blood drives where the blood never made it to the hospital.

“Using student funds to provide donations also goes directly against 820 policy,” Dunblood said. “I would rather become human than contradict 820 policy.”

This appeal was denied, as well as the appeal from the Easy Bake Coven Society and the Zombie Relay team.

Academic A-Scare Commission Director Siena Emerscream spoke in favor of the bill.

“I believe that the appeals were denied for good reason,” Emerscream said. “For example, cooking fellow students reduces tuition income and promotes a climate of fear on campus. How is the Easy Bake Coven Society still running, anyway?”

Bill 13-B-4 was passed with a vote of 30-0-2.

The next meeting was postponed due to safety concerns associated with the full moon, so the house will reconvene at 12 a.m. on Nov. 10 in the amphitheater.

Price shouldn’t be reached, but you can try … at [email protected].