The Tator

Masked vigilante appears in Eau Claire, community unsure whether hero or menace

Elliot Adams

More stories from Elliot Adams

The Tator
May 9, 2023
The Tator

This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.

According to several witnesses and blurry social media videos, there are reports of a masked vigilante swinging around the streets of Eau Claire. 

Gordon Tracy, a detective in the Eau Claire police department, said that they first fielded calls in late September about a man-sized spider flying through downtown Eau Claire. 

“At first we thought it was just a couple of prank calls,” Tracy said. “Then we figured maybe more people than we thought were driving over to Minneapolis due to their new laws but then we started getting more and more calls, and then our beat cops started reporting it too.” 

According to Tracy, Eau Claire police started finding people cocooned in webs with notes. 

The Spectator was able to receive a copy of one of the notes. 

“Caught these two goons trying to break into The Lismore, figured I’d make your job easier,” the note said. “Your’s truly, the friendly Chippewa Valley Spider-Guy.” 

Tracy said the amount of webbed-up suspects has only increased since early October. 

“At first it was maybe one or two a week, now it’s about one or two a day,” Tracy said. “Just this last weekend we found a bunch of drunk webbed-up college kids who were attempting to steal the Blu mascot.” 

Some in the Eau Claire community are supportive of this new vigilante. John Lismore, the owner of The Lismore, said that he is thankful that the Spider-Guy was able to intervene. 

“Whoever this Spider-Guy is, he’s a godsend,” Lismore said. “If he didn’t stop those henchmen they would’ve been able to steal everything in our secure vault.” 

Others in the community are more skeptical. S. Gerald Johnson, Editor-in-Chief of The Spectator, said that whoever this Spider-Guy is should be locked up. 

“He’s a menace I tell you,” Johnson said. “He swings around disturbing the peace causing untold amounts of property damage, and he gets away with it too because of that blasted mask.” 

According to Johnson, this Spider-Guy is a deranged menace that terrorizes the Eau Claire community with blatant disregard for the law. 

According to Lynne Tracy, a third-year fictitious student, the Spider-Guy makes her feel hope. 

“I mean just knowing that there’s someone out there willing to do the right thing makes me feel safe,” Tracy said. “Although I do think his costume is a bit weird.” 

Others just feel confused. Autumn Octavian, a physics professor at UW-Eau Claire, said she wonders why the Spider-Guy decided to take up residence in Eau Claire. 

“I mean we have like what, 10 buildings that are over five stories tall,” Octavian said. “I mean for a guy that swings around on webs to get to places you’d think he’d pick a better city.” 

According to the Chancellor’s Office, the appearance of the Spider-Guy is no cause for alarm. 

“We’ve heard the reports of a masked vigilante patrolling the streets of Eau Claire,” Chancellor James Schmidt said. “To create balance we are now rolling out a superhuman of our own, the Blu Goblin.”

According to Schmidt, the Blu Goblin project was conceived by Warren Oswald, a chemistry professor at UW-Eau Claire. The project will feature a costume inspired by Blu the Blugold along with a mechanical glider. Oswald will also be injected with a patented Blu Goblin serum. 

“It’s a revolutionary new chemical mixture that will up my reflexes, give me higher levels of strength and up my endurance to levels higher than an Olympic athlete,” Oswald said. 

Oswald said that there are no side effects and that any reports otherwise are false.

According to Stacy, the vigilante is here to stay and residents should get used to it. 

“As far as I’m concerned, the Spider-Guy is a hero,” Stacy said. “That editor at The Spectator may feel differently but Eau Claire’s been a safer place since Spider-Guy appeared.”

Adams can be reached at [email protected].