The Tator

A football sandwich with BMB bread

Sam Johnson

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The Tator
December 13, 2022
The Tator

This is a satirical article and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the opinions of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.

After much consideration, UW-Eau Claire administration has made a change to this year’s football schedule.

For the remainder of the season, the UW-Eau Claire football team will be playing their games at halftime of the Blugold Marching Band performances — the inverse of a longstanding tradition — according to a press release.

Josh Pretendname, a fourth-year lineman, said he’s relieved about the change.

“There are maybe seven people in total who have seen the second half of our games since I came here,” Pretendname said. “Last weekend was parents’ weekend, and during the second half kickoff I saw my dad take a selfie with the director, then sprint out of the stadium.”

The final decision was made by Barbara Fake-Person, director of nonsense in the athletics department. She said it was a no-brainer.

“The best part of going to an event is having something to look forward to,” Fake-Person said while making a cocktail in her office in Brewer Hall. “Nobody would shoot off the finale halfway through a fireworks show.”

UW-Eau Claire administration believes the change will increase attendance during home games. 

Fake-Person said Chancellor James Schmidt has been secretly pushing for this decision for years because he’s contractually obligated to stay for the entirety of home games.

According to Phillip Notreal, a 34th-year statistics student, and self-proclaimed “Captain Blugold,” the decision is questionable.

“It’s going to hurt the boys’ record,” Notreal said. “At least twice a season since the early 2000s, the BMB show confused the opposing team, who left at halftime, resulting in forfeited wins in favor of the Blugolds.”

Notreal, who said he has been to every Blugold football home game since he was conceived at one in the 1960s, said he’ll miss the extra second-half legroom. 

He also said he lives under the student section bleachers, so it’ll be much harder to get to sleep on Saturdays if the stands are full all game.

Jimmy Madeup, a second-year wide receiver, said the change is a lot of pressure.

“The second half has always felt a lot like a practice,” Madeup said. “Our home field advantage is the astonishing near-complete silence for half the game. That’ll be tough to give up.”

Randal Dickerson, BMB director, hadn’t heard of the decision before being interviewed.

“I haven’t checked my work email since 2007 when one of my bosses told me it was unwise to have a band larger than the occupancy of most venues we play in — including NFL Stadiums,” Dickerson said. “I really don’t care, so long as my checks keep clearing.”

Roderick Imaginary, a third-year trumpet player in the band, said the decision “makes sense.”

“I think it’s a great decision,” Imaginary said. “Most of the band needs their voices to play properly, so having people to help us cheer (on the football team) will be super helpful.”

According to Imaginary, he’s been cheering so loudly to try to overpower the sound of crickets drifting over from Halfmoon Lake, his voice has dropped at least five octaves since his arrival as a first-year student.

“Last year, I missed out on the lead role in “Annie,” that’s how high my voice was before,” Imaginary said in a voice reminiscent of Christian Bale’s in “The Dark Knight.” “Any change that prevents that from happening again is alright with me.”

Johnson can be reached at [email protected].