Ranking Your Zodiac Signs

All astrological tea, all astrological shade.

More stories from Sabrina Ftouhi

Unlearn Everything
November 1, 2023

it’s time to be humbled

I’m ranking the zodiac signs from best to worst based on my experience. For more information about astrology and birth charts, check this out.


Aries are very passionate about the world around them. Most Aries are known for keeping it real… sometimes a little too real. On the downside, why do y’all always feel the need to be first or be the best at something? Chill. 


Scorpios have such a reputation because people react so strongly to them. That means the magic is working. 

Scorpios are amazing because they understand everyone’s inner demons. They’re the opposite of deceitful. if a Scorpio comes across an opportunity to be blunt, they’ll jump. Scorpios are all about secrecy and privacy. The only reason Scorpio is not number one on my list, is because nobody can ever know what a Scorpio is truly thinking.


I’ve just been cursed with so much Gemini chaos that I’ve been conditioned to appreciate it. Gemini as a sign is embodied by the age group of 14 to 21, and they act accordingly. 

This party-loving air sign is always down to teach you something new, but don’t rely on them to remember plans or a story that was told a day ago.


I haven’t always had the greatest opinion of this sign. To me, they were always dull and stingy. I’ve known them to settle for a lot less than their worth, and most Taureans are too stubborn for their own good. 

Recently, I’ve realized that Taureans have a gift for grounding: they’re the best people to have around when motivation is lacking. Without a doubt, some of the most loyal and supportive people have Taurus placements.


No other sign sets a vibe quite like a Pisces. These friends are always getting me out of the house to try new things. Their open-mindedness and empathy are why I’ve ranked them higher. 

Alternately, Pisces are extremely vague and lack the ability to text back in a timely manner.


I used to hate Aquarians too. I still don’t really understand them, but that’s what they want I guess. 

I will say, respectfully, that their love for people and communities is contagious.

For a sign that hates conforming, they sure do love their fandoms. However, don’t rely on most Aquarians to stick to plans … period.


There will always be a soft spot for a Sagittarius in my heart, but I had to put them a little lower because they don’t know when to be quiet.

I appreciate the raw honesty that doles out, but sometimes it just comes off as mean. A Sagittarius sign would never get away with murder because they would be bragging about it too much. 


I think this sign is great in other placements, just not as a sun sign. In my experience, Virgo suns are the least likely to take accountability for their mistakes. On the upside, they are going to be there to help you get it together.

If complaining was a sport, Virgos would be undefeated. 


Cancers are not crybabies, they just want you to think that. While these beautiful people know fashion and cooking like no other, the passive-aggressive energy puts a bad taste in my mouth.

Let me give a piece of advice to cancers everywhere: Soften up your shell sometime.


As a Libra, I can say we are more synthetic than plastic. This does come to some advantage, considering we are the sign that’s born to deal with the world’s Karen’s. We’re incredibly tolerant of people’s short shortcomings, but we forgive way too easily. 

The problem is I don’t really find many of us interesting. 


While they may be on the funny side, they don’t put CAP in Capricorn for no reason. Self-preservation is key to these people; in my experience unevolved caps tend to treat people as a means to an end.

These Christmas babies are the kings and queens of making excuses. 


I think this sign is great in theory and horrible in practice. One thing we can learn from a Leo is how to prioritize one’s self-worth and confidence. 

In my life, the bad experiences of this sign have outweighed the good. I’ve found Leo’s to be gaslighting kings and queens. If they can’t have something nobody can.

Entitlement is your keyword.

Ftouhi can be reached at [email protected].