Horoscopes?

‘It’s like horoscopes, but I just make them up’

Madeline Fuerstenberg

More stories from Madeline Fuerstenberg

Horoscopes?
October 5, 2020
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Photo by Savannah Jo Reeves

(Disclaimer: These horoscopes are written for comedic purposes and are not meant to be taken seriously. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidental). 

Howdy, friends.

Welcome back to another installment of “The Terror Dome: What’s Happening Inside Maddie’s Head?”

 Spoiler alert: Not much.

Anywho, I’ve decided to shake things up a bit this week. I know you’re all searching for that perfect Halloween costume. Well, look no further. I will tell you the costume you are destined to wear.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23)

You will be a yam, Libra. A big, juicy yam.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22)

The stars are telling me you must go as a succulent this Halloween, Scorpio. Really, any variety of pointless plant will do.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)

Good news, Sagittarius. You’re destined to dress as my betta fish, Flare Gun. (Yes, I really named him Flare Gun.)

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

This is a fun one, Capricorn: You’re going to spend Halloween dressed as the next person who says “Spooky Season” to you. 

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

Yesterday at Halloween Express I saw a literal toilet paper roll costume. So you’ll go as that.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

You are going to spend this Halloween dressed as my boyfriend’s African dwarf frog, Dumpster. (Fun fact: I named Dumpster, too.)

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Get ready for this one, Aries. The stars are telling me you must dress as Chancellor James C. Schmidt for Halloween. You’re welcome.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Look around you, Taurus. The first blue inanimate object you see will be your costume inspiration this year.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

You’ll go as nothing and you’ll like it.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

This Halloween you’ll dress as the most mythical creature of them all: A well-rounded, mentally stable, adult student free of debt. 

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

Leo, you must dress as Blu the Blugold for Halloween. Bonus points if you eat any first-years on All Hallows Eve.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

You get what is perhaps the most exciting costume of all, Virgo. You’re dressing up as President Donald Trump’s toupée this year. 

I hope you all like your costumes. I put about 10% effort into conjuring up these beautiful mental images of my dream Halloween, so don’t disappoint. 

Fuerstenberg can be reached at [email protected].