Screaming On the Inside

Is this the apocalypse?

Madeline Fuerstenberg

More stories from Madeline Fuerstenberg

November 2, 2020

You know what I hate? COVID-19.

I hate it. I hate hearing about it. I hate talking about it.

I hate that people I know and care about are at risk. I hate that face-to-face classes are canceled for five weeks.

It’s like the whole world is imploding. I hate that, too.

At this point, I don’t even really know what I am supposed to do with myself. My schoolwork is on pause, the Spectator will not release any print issues over these next few weeks and I feel paranoid every time I leave my apartment.

The thing is: I am not actually afraid of getting sick. I am young and (relatively) healthy. If I get sick, it may very well present as a bad cold or the flu.

But, I know there are still risks. I could contribute to the spread. I could infect someone who actually is at risk. To me, that’s scarier than getting infected myself.

There is a weird feeling in the air. I can’t go in public without feeling paranoid. Stores are being cleared out. The streets seem emptier. There is a nationwide shortage of toilet paper. 

Toilet paper, people. You know how many rolls of toilet paper I have left in my apartment? Three. I have absolutely no motivation to spend a day hunting down some more just to stand in line behind dozens of panic shoppers for who knows how long.

All of this is just so weird and scary. There is this global uncertainty that nobody seems to know how to handle and that feels dangerous.

We’re teetering on the edge of something and I am still not sure what I am supposed to be doing. I have to work. I want to socialize and see my friends.

I have allergies right now. I sneeze every once and awhile. My nose is a bit stuffy. Does this qualify as being sick? Should I stay home until it passes? I know it is hard to get tested for COVID-19, so what if I actually have it and I just think it’s allergies? What if it’s too late and I’ve already exposed the people around me?

There are so many unknowns and I don’t want to make the wrong choice. But I’m also not sure if there is a “right choice.”

I know I’m rambling now, but that’s sort of my point. This has been my inner dialogue for the past week and I feel like I’m going crazy. I have too much anxiety for this.

What is happening across the world right now is terrible, but I don’t know what to do about it. All I can really do is try my best to stay sanitary, practice social distancing and pay special attention to my own health. 

I am choosing to believe that things will work themselves out over these next few weeks. COVID-19 cases will reach a peak, but then cases will begin to decrease — or, at the very least, plateau. 

Or maybe a miraculous vaccine will be developed.

I know this isn’t The End — not yet, anyway. Things are just going to be off for a bit. I’m sure this whole situation has a lot of us screaming on the inside. 

For right now, all I can really say is this: Take care of yourself.

Fuerstenberg can be reached at [email protected]