‘It’s like horoscopes, but I just make them up’

More stories from Rebecca Mennecke

(Disclaimer: These horoscopes are written for comedic purposes and are not meant to be taken seriously. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidental.)  

It’s almost my favorite time of the year: Christmas. Cheesy Hallmark movies, hanging ornaments on the tree, baking yummy cookies, decorating my apartment with twinkling lights, lighting a pine-scented candle and — most of all — spending quality time with family and friends. 

What I always seem to forget is the chaos that comes with the holidays: terrible weather, arguments, negativity, burnt cookies and the inevitable waiting for school to start up again so we can all have something productive to do. 

That being said, the stars are watching out for me. They know exactly what will go wrong over winter break. We should be grateful for the stars; they’re telling us exactly what we need to know to survive the holidays. 


Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21) 

Your mental health will take a dip over the holiday season, Sagittarius. Remember that your mental health affects others and take time to do whatever keeps you mentally healthy. Consider seeing a healthcare professional. Take care of yourself. I’ve heard of the saying, “Fill your cup before you fill anyone else’s.” This applies well here. 


Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) 

Going home can be difficult for you, Capricorn. Your family doesn’t accept you for who you are. Remember to surround yourself with people who love you the most. 


Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) 

The bad weather is going to prevent you from achieving the travel goals you wanted to check off this break, Aquarius. I know not traveling can be hard, but try to find things at home that make you feel adventurous. 


Pisces (February 19 – March 20) 

You’re going to get socks and underwear for every single one of your gifts. There’s no way to avoid this. Enjoy having a thousand pairs of socks. At least you have some — some people don’t even have that. 


Aries (March 21 – April 20)

Your friends think you’re absolutely the Grinch this holiday season. Try your best to get ahead of the game and be kind to the people you meet. This will help subvert their expectations, and you’ll stay in their good graces. Good luck! Remember to smile once in a while. 


Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

Your holiday season is going to be a hectic one, Taurus. Between work and a winterim class, you probably don’t think you’ll enjoy the holiday season as much as you will. Remember to focus on the positive aspects of your life. Spend time with the people you love the most. 


Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

You’re going to be overwhelmed with so many things this Christmas: people, bright lights, arguments, family drama, school, homework, projects, work — my gracious, Gemini. Good luck keeping your wits together. Make sure you block out time during this busy season specifically for you. 


Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Be ready for some burnt cookies this holiday season. Fortunately, there’s a hint of new romance in your future this Christmas. Embrace the happiness that this individual brings to your life, and try not to share the burnt cookies with them. Store-bought cookies will be your friend here. 


Leo (July 23 – August 23) 

You are going to be bored out of your mind this Christmas, so get ready by buying some new games and apps on your phone. Or listen to NPR, read The Spectator or read some good books to get educated and start some interesting conversations with family. That will help you get through the season. 


Virgo (August 23 – September 22) 

The snowplow will scratch and dent the entire side of your car. In fact, it’ll be so bad that half of your car will go missing. Have fun finding it in the spring! 


Libra (September 23 – October 23) 

The stars tell me you’re going to get totally wasted this Christmas, Libra. You’ll probably say a lot of stupid things that you really don’t want to say in front of family and friends. Try to avoid anything with alcohol over the holidays, Libra, and you’ll be totally fine. 


Scorpio (October 24 – November 22) 

Surprise, Scorpio! Your ex is going to pay you a visit over winter break. This could be a blessing or a curse depending on how you handle it. Your ex might be visiting as an attempt to get back together (the holiday season tends to be a great time to be in a relationship, right?) or they might be trying to make amends. Try to make sure it’s the latter, and you’ll be just fine. 

Mennecke can be reached at [email protected].