The Tator

UW-Eau Claire Police department deems campus bikers ‘dumbasses’

More stories from Caleb Doyle, Freelance Writer

The Tator
November 11, 2019

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(Disclaimer: This article is satire and is not meant to be taken seriously. It does not reflect the views of The Spectator or UW-Eau Claire.)

Halloween may have passed, but students are still getting ‘spooked’ every day by campus bikers.

After numerous attempts to educate students on biking safety, the UW-Eau Claire police department has reportedly “given up.”

“There is very little we, as a department, can do if the campus bikers are unwilling to listen to our safety instructions,”  Dan Sanders, a campus police officer, said. “I think I speak on behalf of the entire department when I say that campus bikers are dumb***es.”

Such an offensive comment cannot come without reasoning, and Sanders was quick to clarify.

“The department feels this way because we wake up every morning and see bikers bombing the hill into a crowd of students on their way to class,” Sanders said. 

Since bike brakes can, and have, failed on students many times in the past, Sanders said he does not understand why students continue to go down the hill at high speeds every morning and put their lives and others at risk. 

“I might get some flack for what I’ve said, but I don’t know how else to communicate with these students that going Mach 9 down the hill is idiotic,” Sanders said. 

The UW-Eau Claire police department is not the only group worried about the sanity of campus bikers. Xiao Si Thao, a risk management specialist for the Risk Management and Safety department on campus, had some shocking statistics to give. 

“Ten people are hit by bikers every day on campus, and at least one person is hospitalized every day due to collisions at the bottom of the hill,” Thao said.

This is a great concern for the Risk Management and Safety department, and the best solution they have come up with was to put a barricade at the bottom of the hill. 

“Banning biking on campus is too controversial, so if we just place a large barrier at the bottom of the hill and have natural selection do its work, I think the campus as a whole will benefit,” Thao said.

This will not solve the problem of irresponsible biking on and around campus, but it is a good first step for the safety of campus pedestrians. 

“Taking all of the campus bikers out of the gene pool slowly but surely is nothing but a positive for the future of UW-Eau Claire and campuses around the country,” Thao said. 

Students around campus were very happy to hear about the police department’s comments and the Risk Management and Safety department’s new solution. 

“Being able to walk to class without fearing for my life should be the norm at any school,” Abby Greenwell, a third-year psychology student, said. “But I cannot tell you how many times my life has flashed before my eyes as a biker narrowly missed me by an inch going 60 miles per hour in front of Hibbard Hall.” 

Greenwell said she sympathizes with the police department and fully supports action being taken against campus bikers. 

“I’m not going to let my life be ended by some half-wit on a bicycle not looking where he’s going,” Greenwell said. “The police department was absolutely right, campus bikers are dumbasses.”

Doyle can be reached at [email protected].