‘It’s like horoscopes, but I just make them up’

More stories from Rebecca Mennecke

(Disclaimer: These horoscopes are written for comedic purposes and are not meant to be taken seriously. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidental.)  

When people think of “Thanksgiving,” most often they think of a happy feast between Native Americans and early settlers. But this overlooks the disturbing and vicious relationship between white people and Native American peoples. Despite this, I like to think of Thanksgiving as an opportunity to be thankful for our advancements and the possibilities the future holds. It’s a chance to get together with family and friends and be grateful for the things we have. 

This week, the stars tell me you’re excited for one food in particular. Be sure to share it with the people you love. 


Scorpio (October 24 – November 22) 

Nothing says November quite like pumpkin pie. The problem is, there are only a select few that are really, really good. I’m personally impartial to Sam’s Club’s pumpkin pies because then I don’t have to actually bake them, and they still taste amazing. But, there are always great recipes — it’s just a matter of finding the right one


Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21) 

Gobble, gobble, gobble up that turkey. If you don’t have a huge family, or you’re keeping it simple in Eau Claire, opt for a recipe for less people. 


Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) 

You hate everything about Thanksgiving, which I totally get. It means pretty negative things for a lot of people. Try to focus on things that do make you happy. Give thanks for the things that bring you joy. 


Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) 

You’ll “stuff” yourself full of stuffing this Thanksgiving. Don’t forget to try something new, too. Tradition is great, but so is trying something different. 


Pisces (February 19 – March 20) 

Cranberry sauce is one of the few super sweet things that Thanksgiving brings. Consider bringing it to your family gathering and surprising everyone with your magnificent skills. 


Aries (March 21 – April 20)

Turkey isn’t really your thing, Aries. If you’re a vegetarian (or if meat just seems yucky to you right now), consider making squash. It’s unique and healthy. If you don’t like that, there are lots of other great vegetarian options for Thanksgiving. 


Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

Nothing says “Midwestern” quite like a green bean casserole. Don’t mess it up, or suddenly the entire state of Wisconsin will be giving you the evil eyes. 


Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

You’ve had enough of this cold weather, Gemini. It feels like such a long stretch until your favorite season of Christmas. Bring joy to your Thanksgiving celebration with a nice, fresh fruit salad. It’s healthy and different — I can guarantee no one else in your family will think to bring it along. 


Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Nothing adds to dinner quite like dinner rolls. Specifically, I’m talking soft, squishy Hawaiian sweet rolls. If you’re feeling extra, try baking them yourself with a great new recipe. It might win over your significant others’ family. It’s most definitely worth the risk. 


Leo (July 23 – August 23) 

Top off Thanksgiving with a glass of great wine. Or, if you’re underage like I am, aim for a great sparkling juice. I always prefer sparkling red grape juice. Drink it out of a taller wine glass than the rest of your family to assert dominance. 


Virgo (August 23 – September 22) 

You live in the Midwest, so the stars say there’s only one food that you could possibly want to enjoy on Thanksgiving: corn. Specifically, the stars tell me of a great recipe for corn casserole


Libra (September 23 – October 23) 

Every family makes sweet potatoes slightly differently. This Thanksgiving, the stars say to try something new. They tell me of a great new recipe with marshmallows. I would highly recommend it, even if you’re not normally a fan. 

Mennecke can be reached at [email protected]