Horoscopes?

‘It's like horoscopes, but I just make them up’

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Rebecca Mennecke

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Horoscopes?

Photo by Savannah Jo Reeves

Photo by Savannah Jo Reeves

Photo by Savannah Jo Reeves

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(Disclaimer: These horoscopes are written for comedic purposes and are not meant to be taken seriously. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidental). 

Everyone in their lifetime will eventually get some kind of cryptic advice. Whether it’s from a friend or a fortune cookie, it’s inevitable. In case you’re wondering, I get undecipherable advice too. Here are a few of the fortunes I’ve gotten before: 

  • “More art in your life at this time will help you feel better.” (It actually usually does.) 
  • “A mile walked with a friend contains only a hundred steps.” (I’ve never actually counted before.) 
  • “When love and skill work together, expect a masterpiece.” (Right on.) 

This week, the stars decided it’s the perfect time of year for cryptic advice that nobody really knows what to do with. The fun is in trying to figure out what it means. 

 

Scorpio (October 24 – November 22) 

You will lose something this week, but you won’t really lose anything at all. That is, you’ll have the feeling of having lost something, but you won’t have actually lost anything. Try to consider what is most important to you and what things you’re okay with letting go of. 

 

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21) 

You will find love in unexpected places this week. The stars say something fluffy is involved. 

 

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) 

Watch your step. You never know where you are going to end up. (Also, it has been kind of slippery out there lately. You could do with literally watching your step too.) 

 

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) 

If you find yourself at an edge, jump over it. Just make sure you don’t fall. Try to use your best judgement here. 

 

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) 

If you seem lost, turn around. Google Maps won’t be much help here. 

 

Aries (March 21 – April 20)

Luck has nothing to do with it. You have to work hard to get what you want to achieve. It might seem like a string of good things will happen this week, but it’s because of your dedication to what you do. 

 

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

If you’re unsure, flip a coin. It won’t solve your indecisiveness, but it will lead you to other answers. 

 

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

It’s time to start writing your own story. It’s important to listen to others, but it’s equally as important to find your own voice. 

 

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Don’t go back to where you came from. Go a new direction. As you find yourself, you’ll find out where you really belong. 

 

Leo (July 23 – August 23) 

A surprise awaits you this week. The stars are a little vague about this one. 

 

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) 

Even scraps of things can be beautiful when you make them so. Even though you’re an expert crafter and creative connoisseur, you sometimes neglect certain parts of your life. When you put those pieces together, you’ll create something beautiful.  

 

Libra (September 23 – October 23) 

Don’t lose who you are in sight of something you think is better. Focus on the present. Make yourself the best version of ‘you’ that you can be. 

Mennecke can be reached at [email protected]

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