Horoscopes

‘It's like horoscopes, but I just make them up’

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Rebecca Mennecke

More stories from Rebecca Mennecke

Horoscopes?
November 11, 2019
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Horoscopes

Photo by Savannah Jo Reeves

Photo by Savannah Jo Reeves

Photo by Savannah Jo Reeves

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(Disclaimer: These horoscopes are written for comedic purposes and are not meant to be taken seriously. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidental). 

Everyone has a few weird habits. Literally, everyone does. 

My weird habit is pushing all of the furniture in my apartment into new arrangements without my roommates around and without telling anyone. Suddenly, when everyone gets home, every single thing has moved. The compost bucket is nowhere to be found. The plates and mugs and mixing bowls have all switched around locations. The couches are all facing the wrong direction. I consider this — my rearranging antics — my version of “chaotic neutral.” 

Here’s what the stars tell me about the crazy things you will be up to this week. 

 

Scorpio (October 24 – November 22) 

The stars tell me you want to get “trashed” this week because you’re at the end of your rope, Scorpio. But, the stars warn me that this is a terrible idea. I’m not 100 percent sure what it means to be “trashed,” but it sounds like a pretty terrible idea. Stay safe! 

 

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21) 

You have a habit of replacing your roommate’s instant white rice with Orbeez. Please do not do this. I’m pretty sure Orbeez are not microwave safe, and I’m also pretty sure they’re not edible. Also, why?

 

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) 

At 1:00 a.m., it’s going to seem like a great idea to put Mentos in Coca-Cola in the middle of your apartment, but please do not do this. I know it’s cold outside so it’s hard to do this outside, but please find better ways to spend your time. 

 

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) 

The things you find in your couch cushions are not morsels of leftover food. Please do not eat it. It’s your roommate’s rat poison from last week’s mouse infestation. Also, tell your roommate to use friendly live traps that are a little nicer to our little rodent friends. 

 

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) 

Instead of spreading baking powder across your carpet to make it smell nice, you’re going to intentionally spill coffee all over your carpeting and then try to vacuum it up. I’m not saying this is a bad idea, but you’re going to be smelling coffee for the rest of the semester. Also, your landlords will hate you for it. 

 

Aries (March 21 – April 20)

You have a tendency to compliment people when you don’t really know what to say to others, but it’s really starting to show. You can only compliment so many people on their nail color before someone tells you that you’ve been complimenting the past fifteen people on their natural fingernails. 

 

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

You’re always nervous to let your foot stick out beneath the blankets when you go to sleep. The stars tell me this week there’s a good reason for that fear. 

 

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

You have a habit of rehearsing your conversations with people before you talk to them. Seriously, you do not need to do this. Stop letting your anxiety rule your life and live a little. Don’t be scared to be weird. 

 

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

You’re going to burn an entire batch of brownies this week, Cancer. This is so out of character for you. Usually, you love making tasty delectables. This is the beginning of the end of the world. 

 

Leo (July 23 – August 23) 

The stars tell me that your friends are going to introduce you to a new video game that you are going to really, really like. But, don’t go out and buy it yourself because they’re planning to buy it for you for Christmas. 

 

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) 

You have a terrible habit of pretending to know things you don’t actually know about. The result: people think you are extremely smart. This week, the stars tell me you should admit when you don’t know something because people are going to figure you out. 

 

Libra (September 23 – October 23) 

You like to touch food items and not actually take them. Your roommates are going to catch you in the act this week and will stop sharing their yummy treats with you. Be careful. 

Mennecke can be reached at [email protected]

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