Horror-scopes

“It's like horoscopes, but they’re for Halloween”

Horror-scopes

Photo by Savannah Jo Reeves

(Disclaimer: These horoscopes are written for comedic purposes and are not meant to be taken seriously. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidental). 

It’s Halloween this week, so you know what that means: candy. Lots of it. 

This week, the stars told me what kind of candy you’ll be craving this week. Or, they told me the kind of candy you’ll be receiving — whether you like it or not. 

 

Scorpio (October 24 – November 22) 

Two words, Scorpio: popcorn balls. 

 

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21) 

The stars tell me you love candy corn, but just for aesthetics. Your real favorite candy is Milky Way. All the grocery stores will conveniently run out of them right before Halloween, so make sure to stock up beforehand. Otherwise, you’ll just have a bunch of stale candy corn sitting around until Christmas because you won’t eat it. 

 

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) 

You have a dentist appointment coming up soon, Capricorn, and your dentist is going to find at least two cavities in your teeth. Avoid any candy on Halloween at all costs. Or, accept your fate — you know, the fate where you have no teeth. 

 

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) 

All the kids who come to your house to trick-or-treat this week are going to really want Kit Kats. Make sure to stock up. Otherwise, expect the wrath of 10-year-old children.

 

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) 

You don’t have time to go out and buy candy, Pisces. You’re too busy with your life. And that’s OK. Just don’t forget to take a breather and maybe watch a Halloween movie or something. Or get ready for Christmas. We both know that’s the better holiday of the two. 

 

Aries (March 21 – April 20)

You’ve never really been one for sour candies, Aries, but this week is going to be your week. Stock up on some Sour Patch Kids and sour gummy worms. On Halloween night, treat yourself and eat them all. 

 

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

Your favorite candy is white chocolate Reese’s, but all those kids trick-or-treating will take them all. Just try not to get too angry. Maybe consider stocking up on some for yourself. Or, just don’t answer the door. Problem solved. 

 

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

Your split personality means you’re indecisive about your favorite candy; it depends on the day. When you’re at the grocery store, buy a variety of different kinds of candy. Whatever you don’t like, give away on Halloween. 

 

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

You don’t believe in candy, Cancer. You only believe in using candy to bake your next Heath brownies. But, that’s okay. Buy a mixed bag of candy and donate it to a local food pantry to help everyone enjoy the spooky spirit of Halloween. 

 

Leo (July 23 – August 23) 

You’re a nerd, Leo. That’s why you need to get stocked up on some Nerds for this Halloween. Every kid loves Nerds. 

 

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) 

You’re one of those healthy, vegan, allergy-friendly kinds of households. Stock up on fruit snacks, toothbrushes, apples and all the other things kids don’t really care about. You’re obviously really hip with the kids. 

 

Libra (September 23 – October 23) 

There are so many new flavors of Skittles, and you know you want to try them all. Invest in all the flavors and have a Halloween party just to share them with someone.

Mennecke can be reached at [email protected]