Horoscopes?

“It’s like horoscopes, but I just make them up”

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Photo by Savannah Jo Reeves

(Disclaimer: These horoscopes are written for comedic purposes and are not meant to be taken seriously. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidental). 

Halloween is coming up, so you know what that means: a resurgence of creepy creatures peeking out from the corners of civilizations and making their attack. 

The stars have warned me that some strange creature is sniffing around your home, waiting for Halloween night to strike. Prepare yourself. 

 

Libra (September 23 – October 23) 

The stars warn me of chupacabra on the loose in your neighborhood. Guard your chickens and your goats. (Or your homework. Saying a chupacabra ate your homework is not a valid excuse, even if it’s 100 percent true.) 

 

Scorpio (October 24 – November 22) 

You’re not someone who will listen to spooky Halloween garbage. Ghosts? No way. But, be ready to learn that the thing you keep seeing in the corner of your eyes is actually the ghost of your great aunt. Try talking to her. You never know what she wants. 

 

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21) 

You might think that sound from your attic is just a stuck bat. Actually, it’s a little more frightening. It’s an Ahool — a frightening bat-like creature usually found in Indonesia but somehow made its way to the Midwest. Consider talking to experts. Or, invest in a big net. Your call. 

 

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) 

Those bite marks on your roommate’s neck are not actually from their pet cat like they say. Watch out for different sleeping patterns, eating habits and their sensitivity to garlic. You might have a vampire on your hands. 

 

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) 

You’re looking at adopting a puppy from the local animal shelter, but be warned. That big dog you’re eyeing might be a werewolf. But, that pupper still needs a good home. Adopt him anyway. Werewolves aren’t as scary as people make them out to be. 

 

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) 

You swore you saw something in the Chippewa River last week, and you were right. It was the Loch Ness monster searching for a snack. Don’t go tubing for another six and a half years. 

 

Aries (March 21 – April 20)

That strange guy that keeps walking past your apartment at 8 p.m. on Wednesday nights isn’t actually a guy at all. It’s Bigfoot. Grab your camera on Wednesday, and be ready to get an award-winning photo. 

 

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

Everyone else is carving pumpkins and getting into the spooky spirit. Don’t. The stars tell me that you’ll buy a haunted pumpkin, and you’ll turn it into a frightening jack o’lantern. You don’t want to know what it will do at night. The only safe pumpkins are the ones The Spectator will be selling on Wednesday. I’m serious. It’s what the stars tell me. 

 

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

Bang. Bang. Bang. You’re going to be hearing a lot of spooky noises around your house this week. No worries, it’s just a bat in your attic. Consider investing in a friendly net to catch the little fuzzy friend, and be ready to release ‘em back outside. 

 

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

You’re going to capture a photo of what you think is Bigfoot, but it’s actually just your roommate wearing footie pajamas. No spooky creatures for you this week, Cancer! You can sleep soundly. 

 

Leo (July 23 – August 23) 

You’re going to plan a camping trip sometime soon, Leo, but don’t do it around Halloween. The wendigo is on the prowl and they tend to stick around camping places. 

 

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) 

The gargoyles on old buildings don’t just look like they’re looking at you, they are looking at you. Make sure they don’t see anything stupid. 

Mennecke can be reached at [email protected]